Pricked

29

            ************

I don't want to be strong tonight. I'm tired of being strong or at least attempting to. Don't want to hear it'll be ok until they have proof that it will be. Don't want to look on the bright side until the sun shines through the what seems like forever clouded sky. Another day done and gone as the sun disappears beyond the castles wall. With the sun gone I don't want to cheer up, don't feel like smiling at all. The sun brightened my spirits slightly but at night, alone with nothing but my depressing thoughts in the darkness...

All those stupid doctors say to look for the silver lining, but I say to hell with that silver lining. I just want to have a breakdown, I just want to let my heart ache, to fall apart and get it all out. Leave proof of the pain, to believe this was real. I punch at the wall, at the door, stomp my feet on the floor and scream at the window. Then I want my tears to stain this stupid pillow case.

I don't want to be strong tonight because the words burn through me. I don't know if I have been acting strong or if I have been a complete mess this whole time but still, I'm tired of holding it together. I'm tired of keeping everything inside. I wanna hurt, to feel something.

I look to the door, slightly ajar, the halls are vacant and no sound emits from the palace or anywhere for that matter. The clock tower of the church is the only sound I hear. It steadily ticks away, reminding us that it is always there, that God is always there. I try my best to forgive the doctors stupidity, their lack of knowledge on something so wicked but it's hard when there is nothing and no one else to blame.

"I know I'm a mess!" I bellow at a black bird that preached on my window momentarily to clean under its wings. I scream, lashing out as I charge towards the bird, it sees me, flustered by my sudden movement it turns quickly and flies away. I scared away the one thing that can actually see me I think as I let out a breath of anguish. The only things that can see me can't tell anyone I'm in here. So I collapse to the floor, I can't do anything right.

I never thought I would want pain, but this endless numbing sensation is worse than a lifetime of pain. I don't want to be strong tonight, so I sit and weep dryly. I can't do anything but sit and wait and hope and finally even pray.

*****************

"My mentor, Abram," Arren's eyes flicker up and around. "I told him of you and your state of being." He licks at his lips mindlessly while pacing the room. "He would like to come and meet you." Arren tells me this, as if he needs my permission for another person to poke at me.

"Sure," I say simply, not that I have much of a choice who comes and goes. I adjust to the wall to see the pale blue sky, spark with the suns growing colors. "I would love to meet the person whom you aspire to be!" I add enthusiastically, but he looks tense and nervous his shoulders hunched and he rings his hands together. "Or not," I counter seeing his anxiety building.

"He's coming, today. Within the next hour he should be here..." Arren paces cracking his knuckles.

"Oh wow that's soon. Don't be nervous." I try to comfort him, but my words are useless. "You are amazing and doing everything you can and more. But if he can fix me..." the thought of waking up brings a spark to my voice and my chest fills with life. "If he can fix me," I repeat excitedly, "then not only would you would be my favorite but he as well." My words are strange to think. Waking up, after all this time, finally waking up? Was it even possible or could this just be a dream, a fantasy? I haven't dreamt much since in this state but I have dreamed of waking up, to finally be free. But, dreams are just that, dreams. They are unrealistic and useless, a waste of time, energy and motivation. Not even moments later did the door swing open and a tall thin man walks in.