A Fuckboy gone wrong - A REAL DATING STORY

Chapter 1 - Meeting Moritz

An epic, 365-day, back and forth between my sanity and the juiciest of all loves.

They say you cannot move on until you know how a story ends. And so I kept on writing it until the book caught fire.

He turned out to be so much destruction. Loss. Grief. But our bond was thrilling, enticing and addictive.

With him, I felt like I was my best authentic self. Until, there was not much left of me.

I was insatiable. I loved the sexual, liberated version I became with him. I loved the confidence, the liberation. It was all I wanted. I felt intoxicated with endorphins. He had always been impossible to resist, even if I did know better.

A connection I wish I had never had and one that I am still yearning day in day out.

Til this day.

I want to feel indifferent towards him, but the truth is - well... read a long. And buckle up. It is a bumpy, (hot) and confusing ride.

This is my journal. No Fiction. Welcome to my life.

DISCLAIMER: EXPLICIT SEXUAL CONTENT.

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June 24th 2021

365 days 

The fact that I am writing this, means I somehow made it to the other side. Though I currently feel like I am more a Casper-ghost-version of myself, than anything else. An idea of who I used to be before all of this, still putting together the puzzle pieces of my old self and who I will continue to become.

Today is June 24th 2021 and it marks a year since I met him. But it's not its anniversary that has compelled me to write it all down.

It's the damn soap.

For months now, I have tried to avoid one very specific, but also super generic brand of soap. The reason? That damn brand smells exactly the same whether it's hand soap or or shower gel.... And he used it, in the shower - with me, after sex, before sex....

It took me off-guard today. I washed my hands in someone else's home and then it hit me. As if someone had punched me into my guts. And a longing overcame me, followed by the bitter sweetness of nostalgia and a new wave of heartache.

The truth is that I have never been happier in my life than when I was with him. So I accepted being tangled-up in his spider web for these glimpses of happiness.

You know how Obelisk throws himself into the magic potion pot whenever he can - Well that was me. But it was a potion pot full of adrenaline. 

1. Infatuation

I am a wildling, free-thinking, independent, fearless and adventurous, but the past year I was nothing like myself. And that was the problem and beginning of this story. 

I caught Covid in 2020 which was followed by massive health issues. ( Heart, lungs, and cognitive issues.) I was very sick for about 4 months. I have always been a very independent, strong-minded, risk-taking woman. And then I started crumbling.

First of all, there was the fear of dying as I got sick before anything was known and I could not breathe. I wrote a goodbye letter, which was one of the most surreal experiences. I was alone and isolated in a foreign country. I have trauma from these days. After my initial recovery I developed "Long- Covid". I developed brain fog but also emotional numbness. I forgot how to feel anything, physically and mentally. I was numb, didn't feel my body- I didn't feel anything. If I had to paint this feeling into a color, it would have been gray. All was gray.