A Fuckboy gone wrong - A REAL DATING STORY

Chapter 4 - The Bachelor Finale

"I don't want to lose you"

In hindsight, one of the most bizarre situations I have ever been with was this. Think of it. - A man choosing between two women, has an evening with both of them. He meets them, back to back - first me for one night, then her and tells us both " that he has not made a decision yet, cause it was too hard for him for choose."....

Dude - Seriously?

It is equally as bizarre that the female contestants, me and Nora played a long. Somehow the three of us were the perfect match for our traumas - Somehow whatever negative belief we carried around ourselves about ourselves each of us would reinforce. My belief was that I was not "good enough" - And rest assured I found a person who would continue making me feel this way. As I am writing this I have a different point of view about my worth, but a year ago - When this situation happened, I was praying for this man to choose me, to make me feel loved, and valued and make me feel like I was enough.

That night, he called me ahead of time explaining to me that he did not know where the evening would lead towards. He wanted to give me a heads-up. How considerate. Ha. Tonight could be a break-up or it could be a continuation.... He would not know. Which literally let me be in the most pathetic submissive position ever.

He met up with me at an Irish pub? Who has this convo at an Irish pub? WHO BREAKS UP WITH SOMEONE IN PUBLIC? Again, this was something that made me realise that he had not the coping mechanisms for this situation. Neither did I. This was a first for me too. I would have done anything to keep him at this point. Anything.

Before I met up with him, I had champagne, by myself. I walked in there feeling confident. If he was gonna do this to me I was gonna celebrate myself. I did a meditation, I let go of all expectations and I walked into this embarrassing scenario.

We would hug and I would just feel his love but also his pain pour through him. Dude - he was struggling. Sincerely. That is what was so bizarre. This self-inflicted Drama was hurting him too. It got weirder by the minute. We would sit out there at the patio. I drank some heavy alcohol cocktail with pineapple juice and listened to his (forgive me the expression) whining  while I poked round in the pineapple with my stirrer. "I have not made a decision yet". "I don't want to lose you, I like you. You are important to me". "I don't want to have a life that you are not part of.", "If only Nora did not ask me to make a decision." "I don't want things to be over between us.".

I felt nauseous. I had to throw up. I smiled, stood up and went to the bathroom to vomit. I cried. I wanted to dissolve into air. I could not do this anymore. I loved this man. I loved his heart and soul behind his inability to see that he could change everything in he chose to but I could not endure this anymore. He did not take responsibility for anything. Ever.

I wish I could have said. "No thank you"... But that was not my reality. My reality was waiting to hear him say that he loved me and wanted me so that my childhood wound could finally be healed.

Note to myself - Go to a therapy too. This wound needs to heal.  

My hands were over the toilet seat as I pushed my forehead against the wall. I cried.  When I returned from the bathroom and cleaned myself up, he noticed a shift. And he kissed me again. He would always kiss me when he did not know how to handle a situation and looked me in the eyes like the most remorseful person.

Kisses get heavy when you know they are about to be your last. He whispered that he wanted me to go home with him if that was okay for me.

This felt like a relief. It is all I wanted. I wanted to feel him, hug him, love him. I would never turn him down. Those were the moments that made me feel like I mattered. To be honest though - I blame him for sleeping with me in that phase. I mean, I was there too, so I also blame myself. But for someone deciding who he wants to be with it would have been kinder not to mess with their hormones that much.