A Fuckboy gone wrong - A REAL DATING STORY

Chapter 5: Back in the States and before Sunrise

10. BACK IN THE STATES

I arrived in the States and my first trip was to the DMV cause my car was broken down... I stood there in line and everything felt insignificant. What did I do? I left him? NO. Why did I not fight harder? Why did I not stay? I could have fought harder. What if he was the love of my life? Did I just leave him to her?

How will I ever be okay again??? I wanted to build a life with him? Fuck

I need to go back.

My head was spiraling multiple times a day.

I went to the beach every day, I talked to the universe, I mediated -

I felt paralyzed as I could barely function.- Every day I thought of him. I missed him so so so much. The men from "before Moritz" would hang out with me, sleep with me, and I could not be intimate with anyone. I just wanted him. I "dry fucked them". Aka - I went through the motions, and that was it. I felt nothing.

It still took a toll on my health. I could barely eat and started losing more weight than I should have. I wanted to be free of him. Why could I not just move on? Why did he mean sooo much to me. It's not fair.

Anyways, I did not get my period. Okay, I took Plan B. It is supposed to push back ovulation for 5 days. But I was way late. For days I considered what I would do if I were to be pregnant. Fuck. Every day I woke up thinking about it. I hate that men can just go after their day while I check in with my body every time after sex.

After 14 days being late I finally started bleeding and that also turned out to be his actual birthday. So I broke my own agreement and wished him a happy birthday telling him I was not pregnant.

And a few weeks later he video called me. It was such a relief to see and hear him again. And we talked for 5 hours. I even took my phone to the beach with me where we watched the sunset together over video chat. It was as always, beautiful. It felt familiar, it felt good and it felt like there was no reason as to why we should not be together. Oh and I masturbated at the beach and he watched me do it haha. I almost forgot.

I told him most you have read until now. He knew, what this up and down did to me, - that it left me dependable, and out of control and I asked him one last time "Am I alone in this?"- "No, you are not", he said. But he did not want to keep saying things that would make it harder for me." Despite him being in his 2-month "concentrating on himself"-phase where he saw neither me nor Nora, he did not know if he would ever be ready for a relationship and he did not want to drag me into it any more.

This statement was probably the kindest thing he'd ever said to me. This was the only time he watched out for me and my feelings. At the end of the call he told me that he wanted to see me again when I'd return if I was open for it. Nora's ultimatum was off the table apparently, cause he was taking a break from everyone. The phone call ended with lots of laughter, and both of telling each other what we meant to one another. For me it was just clear that we both wanted to be at least being in each others life.

11. Decisions, Decisions

Two weeks later I flew home. I was hopeful and excited to see him again, but also careful. I knew he was a ping pong ball, or he was the racket and we were the ball, but I knew it was dynamic.

It was cold, Covid hit hard in Switzerland and everything was closed.

We started chatting to make plans. And I was excited to see him again after his two-month long "concentrating on himself-period". I was curious to find out what he learned.