A Fuckboy gone wrong - A REAL DATING STORY

Chapter 6 - Gone

13. Aftermath

Moritz was gone. He was gone. And with that it felt like the last bit of strength I had left within me went with him.

I lost him. He lost me. We lost the life we could have had together. I wanted him to be my home. 

The pain - The pain I felt was unlike anything I had ever felt. It felt like death. I can't even put it into words. It just felt dark and empty. I have felt pain before in my life - but this was next level. 

I was just in such a bad place already from Long-Covid. My health and my resilience was not what I used to be. So this, this was the last straw for me. My mind collapsed. I can't describe it, it just felt like falling and losing all I have.

 Never in my life had I felt this before. This was eating me alive. I was a shell of myself. Dead inside. In shock. In denial and with endless grief. Nothing mattered anymore. Nothing even felt like anything. I was numb, non-existent. I felt like I was gone.

Never in a million years did I think a break up could cause this. But it was not just any break up. It was an endless game of hopes and disappointment ending in this feeling of feeling nothing at all anymore.

I don't know how I made it home that night. I just know that the next 4 days there was Christmas and that I was barely present. Physically I was, but mentally I could barely pull it together. My family realized that I was depressed. I had to go to a doctor and got described medication and a therapy. I could barely hold my body, barely ate any food and this all let to me getting hospitalized after my lungs would develop a potential embolism. I don't know if my health was actually connected to this story but I do believe that my immune system was so down that my covid recovery turned out even worse. I cried in the ER, I cried in the hospital bed. I just cried. I lost my voice as well, so when I cried there was no more sound, and eventually there were no more tears. so There was nothing. Just numbness... Again, again and again.

My thoughts got dark, I felt like the biggest failure. I thought I saw proof that I was right. Proof that I was disposable, truth that I did not matter to people I loved. I truly wasn't enough. I was a waste in this world.

I felt so alone with this pain. I felt so little, so unseen, so worthless. The only person who could have mended my wounds, - would have been him. I accepted his decision, but the "No-contact-rule", killed me. I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to share with him how I was doing.

But he did not care. Or he couldn't care. But the results were the same. I had to live with a reality that he was just okay like that. He would go after his day, he would go to work, he would celebrate Christmas, he would make love to Nora - He was okay.

14. Coping

This went on for weeks and no one really could help me. No one really understood cause everyone was glad he was gone. But me, I lost ME. I lost myself in this. I lost everything. I saw proof in him that when I was my most authentic self I was lovable. And now I felt so small again.

As I laid at the hospital I messaged him about the state of my physical health. He did indeed respond. He asked if I was okay. But he told me that Nora asked him to not keep any contact. I hated this fucking bitch.

Okay I am taking it back. It's not her fault, but he should have never accepted this no-contact-bs-rule. In my mind, all I did, was loving this man. I never took anyones space, I never requested for him to walk away from anyone else, I just loved him, with all my heart, and now - I would not know if I could ever love again.

At this point I weighted around 49 kilograms. The lowest I ever weighted my entire life, the weight I had when I was 10. The thing is, I am an adventurer, I am a risk-taker, one thing I have never been and that I never want to be again was and is a depressed victim - So I did not know what to do with these feelings of feeling lost. No one really knew how to help me because people are used to me being the shoulder to cry on, the strong person in the family. I lost my independency. I lost everything. I have never understood how much heart-ache can cause the destruction of your life. But I seriously was done. I was done. I didn't work anymore. Didn't call anyone. I just gave up. I had no strength. No anything left. I was done.

Why did he keep coming back into my life just to leave me again?  I felt so ridiculous as well. I am responsible for my heart after all, and my choices. And I could have stopped this myself. But with him I also learned that when you are deeply in love with someone that you try everything.

So after two months of me unable to do anything whatsoever, in February, I booked a flight back to America. I lived alone in Los Angeles. I had to take care of myself. I had to. You can do this. You must. You fucking owe it to yourself.

But every waking moment hurt. And even now, a year later writing this, I still feel this pain as if it was yesterday. Parts of me did die that day.

15. Adjusting

When I landed in Los Angeles I felt a sensation of relief. The first few weeks were good. They were really good. I felt something, almost. The sun was shining, the coffee shops had no restrictions, I felt "life" again. Maybe I could get over it. Maybe I could feel happiness again.

I had to.

And then another person came into my life.  TJ -  TJ was in a relationship (of course). I met him a year earlier on set and we really clicked - When I met him I felt a sense of being with my own tribe, a light, a joy - and an alignment that I rarely felt - Around him I just felt like everything was easy and he made me feel desired and beautiful and seen in my essence. 

In short TJ's story and mine was this. After we tried hooking up a year earlier, I ended up being roofied right before I got to his place and it never happened - and now that I saw him again I was aware of his restrictions, and I didn't want to bring either him or me in a situation that would cause pain for anyone. But TJ made my soul feel light again.  Sadly, despite feeling a strong connection, he was in a relationship. By all means I did not consider a relationship with him in that phase of grief, he was also 7 years younger than me and in a very different phase in his life, but I just  would have loved to just throw myself into his arms to feel loved and cherished, because I could feel he liked me for my essence and I wanted to feel that in my body. Either way, that was not gonna happen - and it was probably better for me to first grow as a person and mend my wounds instead of putting another person in charge of that. Still I had this strong sense that I wanted to help TJ elevate himself to become the most authentic version of himself- His soul felt pure and somehow I felt like he was disconnected to the core I felt so mesmerized by. And despite the romantic connection not being able to flourish outside of talking about it, I was able to help him find courage within his gift. 

Despite TJ existence and the light he ignited inside of me, I missed Moritz every single day. When I thought of TJ I just felt light, when I thought of Moritz I just felt an abyss of pain. 

In terms of my sexual needs I started sleeping with a guy named David.- David was in need of so much  nurturing and healing as he himself just went through a break up and we had quite emotional sex. But David was a hard core Christian and constantly felt guilty sleeping with me - and despite it being a nurturing physical relationship, 2 months in, we ended it. 

I went to meditations, I did yoga, I went to a therapist - I was willing to take care of myself mentally. I drove all my best friends insane, but they listened to the stories about Moritz. Helped me heal, reassured me I was better off this way.

I wanted to book a ticket to Hawaii. I thought maybe if I travelled I would be okay again, maybe I could heal. I considered May 2021.

Well this story should have ended with me going to Hawaii and healing - instead.... This happened...

It was March 29th 2021. Moritz came back into my life.