A Fuckboy gone wrong - A REAL DATING STORY

Chapter 7 - There and back again

He asked if I was open for a phone call.

He apologized over voice messages, he said all kinds of things, was interested in my life. Said he was seeing a therapist. Showed "care", apologized again. 

Look - I really wanted an undoing. Anything - A relief of that pain. Anything. But I was also scared. I was just barely holding my shit together. If I were to involve myself again with him then he would need to be very very careful with my heart. 

He recorded me lots of comforting, funny and sweet messages saying that it was not his intention to ever hurting me again.

A week later, I called him at 1pm my time, 10pm his. - We hung up 6 hours later. We video called for 6 straight hours.

Fuck - I thought I'd call him for 20 minutes and would keep my poker face. But when I saw him on the screen I just felt a rush of love. And everything was easy again, as always - Talking to him, laughing with him, fooling around, being stupid, jokes - all of it. We are always harmony when we are together.

The first 2 hours I took to explain to him how much pain all of this has caused . He knew exactly that if he were to get himself involved with me again that he would have to be very very very careful, that my heart was fragile, and my soul was just mending its wounds - I would not be able to handle false promises or back and forth's. It would need to be baby steps and clear communication and no ultimatums.

The information he wanted to give me was that he stopped seeing Nora because he said "that he was not good for her"; since she wanted a full out relationship and he didn't like her enough that way.

Excuse me, what? After all the drama.... ALL THE DRAMA, you walk away from her? You allowed her to make "laws" around our relationship and now you let her go?

WHAT?

And again, what?

And again, wait - only 4 months after breaking my heart you walk away from her?

NO, I WILL NOT ACCEPT THIS.

Useless waste of everyone's resources. Drama for nothing.

16. Yes and No

So - we had the talk. Did he want to be with me? Was that the point of this call'?

Yes, he said - No ,he said - He was not sure, he said. Maybe in a year, he said.

(read those words again because they will get repeated again a year later. lol.)

But I know his answers were genuine. He did not know. Moritz, and that is important to know, Moritz sincerely did not know how to handle most of these situations. He suffered from his burn-out, and I had empathy for that cause Long- Covid also left me numb, and unable to concentrate. I do believe that he had great intentions in many of these moments and then just created chaos cause he was overwhelmed and did not think things through.- which is not an excuse but I had some sort of empathy for his situation.

One of my theories was that because he had a burn-out that maybe he was completely numb. That just like other people used drugs he used women in order to feel a glimpse of something. That he overdid everything in order to just feel a sense of joy completely unaware of what that would do to others.

He said he had the best sex with me which sadly I have to agree on. We really do. He could imagine having children with me, he could imagine a life with me - just not now. maybe someday, maybe never. He would not know.

I should not wait, he said, cause he did not want me tied to his fate again-, but also hoped that in 1-2 years when he was fully recovered from his burnout and done with being single, that he hoped, I was still there. 

Initially, my first reaction was that I wanted to fly back to Europe. He was finally available. He was finally ready to date me, or see where things would go. I still wonder today, how my life would have looked like had I left to be with him that day. But I was scared that this was just another twist in this storyline that could change any minute again and I wanted as much control and independency as possible this time around.

I just didn't trust it. 

So, after 6 hours of talking, no food but the occasional peeing and flashing and sexting and laughing and crying, we finally hung up.

Endorphins, Dopamine, OxytocinAdrenalineFUCKIt is back.

And it almost felt like I felt after date one or two. For the first time, in a long time, I felt complete. Maybe it all was worth it. Maybe it some bizarre way, maybe someday it would all make sense, and just be a little hick in our grand epic love story. (insert sheep emoji that does not exist, but please picture it here.)

What followed were 2 months where he was supposedly single and where Nora was not part of the equation. It was over with her, and he finally entertained the idea of an "us". I was so sure that if we had the chance to try I would never have been this much in love. I was in love as a result of the up and down and never feeling secure in this hamster wheel.

Also - just because I love him, does not mean I find him a compatible partner. All I ever wanted, was to try it out with him. Maybe I would find out I don't want a future with him. But not knowing, is not how I can live my life. And now, - we could find it out. 

Suddenly there was a light-fullness, - one that we haven't had in a long long time. I talked to him with more clarity and less hormonal reactions and told him preciously what I needed and wanted. So I waited for a job opportunity until I returned to Europe. Which came a few weeks later.

We made plans for when I'd land. 

These two months were the most real we ever had. And while he still made no clear decisions since he usually decides to decide nothing he agreed to want to see me and take it from there.

And then, May 23rd 2021 I landed in Switzerland