Pendulum

2. Keep it linear (Izuna)

Patient name: Izuna Uchiha

Date of birth: 13/09/1985

Journal entry: 23/11/2022

Currently: Slept through night according to nurses despite incidence described below. Mellow in the morning. Initiates breakfast within 15 minutes after sorting foods. Finishes breakfast in 32 minutes. Initiates lunch within 20 minutes. Finishes lunch in 46 minutes.  Initiates dinner within 15 minutes. Finishes dinner in 52 minutes. Rash on forehead healing after banging it against wall last night. Patient does not want to show rashes from self-harm on arm but denies any redness, heat or liquid. Nurse suspects new rash on leg bases on blood on trousers, patient does not want to talk about it when asked, unclear whether patient has managed to get hold of sharp object but nothing found in his bathroom. Patient does not allow himself to be searched. Decision not to force search at the moment.

Yesterday night agitation in the form of head-banging, unclear reason. Upset when new patient arrives escorted by police and guards. The patient denied need of extra dose Alimemazine to calm down. The new patient seems to cause current patient enormous distress despite no interaction between the two.

Psychological examination: Lacking formal and emotional contact, lack of facial expression, latency to response, respects turn-taking in conversation, no eye contact, does not smile in appropriate places. Self-harm in the form of banging his head against the wall, probably also cutting in leg. Last time cutting in arm last week as patient got hold of scissors another patient had smuggled in. No suicidal communications

Planning: Patient will be required to initiate meals within 10 minutes and finish meals within 30 minutes starting from tomorrow. Patient informed by nurses. 

Nobody was allowed to knit in here.

I always found that particular part comprehensively funny. Like the fact that you weren't allowed to bring tweezers with you in your hand luggage on a plane. Of course you could use tweezers for dangerous purposes on planes, just like you could with knitting needles in a psychiatric ward. But why forbid tweezers when you were allowed to bring bottles of tax free, that could cause far greater damage if you threw them? Why forbid knitting needles when you were allowed to bring T-shirts, that could cause far greater damage if you used them to hang yourself?

That was incredibly insensitive of me. Luckily, I didn't say that out loud. Years of studying people around me, normal people, had given me a hum of what thoughts were fine to say out loud, and what thoughts should remain in your brain forever. Still, I didn't like the thought I'd had about hanging yourself with a T-shirt. Suddenly, it was crystal clear to me why knitting needles weren't allowed because I would do anything to have some.

I needed a different method. I closed my eyes, tried to think, but immediately opened them again; closing my eyes always made me even more hyper-aware of everything around me than I usually was, especially my own skin. The feeling of the hem of my trousers on my waist, even if the trousers were baggy and I didn't wear underwear to minimise the sensation. The seam of my sock, that was one millimetre askew. The way my long, black hair was collected slightly tighter on the left side compared to the right into my high ponytail.

Why had I thought that way about hanging yourself?

I pulled my head lightly along the wall where I had sat solving a Rubik's cube which had not been deemed to be angular enough to cause anyone any harm, and thus was allowed in the ward. The sensations the wall provided were familiar; the feeling of the tapestry on my scalp, the sound of the friction between my hairs as I pulled my head along it, the smell of old glue.