Pendulum

14. Epilogue

Date of today: 23/08/2023

Identity: Izuna Uchiha

Date of birth: 13/09/1985

Date of death: 18/08/2023

Cause of death: Suicide, jumping off Thomson bridge into water, died upon impact.

Past medical history: Patient with complex psychiatric history. Autism diagnosed in childhood, anxiety, depression, OCD, previous tics, previous anorexia nervosa, trauma in the form of sexual abuse. Over year-long in-patient psychiatric treatment under Compulsory Psychiatric Care Act, ended this year. In the end of this treatment period vast improvements. Continued improvements as out-patient with psychotherapy and Prozac treatment. Unknown why patient decided to end his life. Neither patient's partner nor his psychiatrist have noted any change in patient's behaviour prior to the suicide. On the contrary, patient's partner tells pathologist that they had started making plans for the future. Patient found at Thompson bridge as the last trace from patient's phone was sent from the top of it.

Evaluation of autopsy: Body found by divers after about two days underwater. Substantial swelling. Severely damaged body, severe open wounds, bowels externalised, one arm and both feet dislodged. Large amounts of water in lungs. Drug tests negative. No signs of external damage that could have been administered before impact. Patient is deemed to have died directly on impact with water surface. No suspicion of crime. Case dismissed. Patient is sent for cremation.

I closed my eyes, drew a deep breath that was as ragged as my life behind me.

The wind was just as cold as last time.

I looked over the edge. It was a fucking miracle I had come to stand here as they had finally fixed the hole in the fence. It had taken them so long to fix it. So long. Maybe, fixing physical faults was just as hard and time-consuming as fixing internal faults. Like my broken soul.

And my heart.

I had climbed over, just like Izuna had. I was surprised by how easy it was. I wondered if he had climbed the last time as well, or used the hole. If they had fixed it before or after.

I tried to force myself to feel, to understand what went through my head. It was as difficult as closing your eyes and trying to focus on a certain point out of all the patterns you saw behind your eyelids. I had no idea what I felt. I had no idea what I thought.

I leaned forwards to get a better look over the edge. It created a strange sensation beneath my feet, like eating ice with your front teeth. But the coldness beneath my feet was compensated for by the warmth in my heart. Finally. Finally, I am brave enough.

I smiled. I had wanted to do this ever since I realised he died. It had taken me a few days to realise, but as soon as I did, I had known this was what I wanted to do. 

I closed my eyes, tried to smile through my tears; I had noticed the pain became slightly, slightly more bearable then. My face felt dry, welcoming the humidity of the tears, absorbing it. The wind brought a thousand diamonds to my face, as if it had crushed the stars into powder and was now sprinkling that powder on my face. I wondered if it made my face beautiful.

I miss you. I miss you so much. There isn't one day going past that I don't wish I could speak to you. That I don't wish I could take you, just one second time. Just one last time.

Maybe, it was good that I hadn't known that the first time was also the last because if I had, it would have been too painful. Too unbearable. If I had the chance to do it again, would I take it? Or would I let it be the way it was? Natural, for real? Believing we had years and years and years to explore each other?