Pendulum

5. Rat bastards at every turn (Tobirama)

Patient name: Tobirama Senju

Date of birth: 04/25/1995

Journal entry: 13/12/2022

Currently: Ward staff have observed that patient has gotten close to one of the co-patients. The friendship does not seem inappropriate in any way. Both patients have, however, tried to intervene in each other's care by trying to stop staff from performing procedures under the Compulsory Psychiatric Care Act. Decide not to mention this in today's conversation with patient, but mentions the importance of not getting too close to co-patients. Patient starts jumping his leg at this, but does not respond. Patient does not speak at all during the conversation. Patient has, this afternoon, asked ward staff for a new meeting with a doctor. This is granted as it seems very out of character for patient, and we deem it important to capture the moments during which he desires to talk.

Psychiatric status: No formal or emotional contact. Takes eye contact from time to time but in a manner that is deemed to be challenging. Does not partake in conversation. Sits very still but jumps his leg. No suicidal communication.

Planning: Still under the Compulsory Psychiatric Care Act. New evaluation about its correctness next week. 

It was the worst thing I'd ever had to endure in my entire life.

Worse than any alcohol-infused night alone.

Worse than any of the many sleepless nights I'd studied for exams while suffering panic attacks.

Worse than the claustrophobia of being locked into this place.

I sat at my bedside, hiding my face in my hands, listening to the insufferable sounds of a man being belted and force-fed. I shook with tears, bit my hand not to scream straight out. I could hear when they managed to belt him as the struggling stopped. I could hear when his screams of frustration turned into screams of pain as they forced the tube into him through his nose. I could hear the crying of a man knowing fighting was futile as they fed him.

One hour passed. Two. On the third hour, his crying had died down, and I stood up, walked out. The door to the belting room opened, and Steven walked out.

"How is he?" I asked immediately.

"Sleeping", Steven said. "I'm so sorry about that."

I bit my lip.

"It's your job", I said.

I was ashamed.

I was so terribly and utterly ashamed.

So I avoided him. I stayed in my room, mostly. Came out for meals which I deemed was safe as Izuna had his meals in a separate room. I didn't know if he'd managed to eat, so I decided to ask Steven about it.

"Sorry. It's confidential." When he saw the look on my face, he sighed. "He's not eating."

That was what made me finally swallow my pride and get out of my room to find him. Lo and behold, he was in the dayroom, playing pool. As if nothing had happened.

I stood in the doorway for a while, just observing him. He was beautiful when he didn't know he was being watched. He was beautiful anyway, but more particularly in those moments of my silent observation.