Pendulum

7. Communique (Tobirama)

Patient name: Tobirama Senju

Date of birth: 25/04/1995

Journal entry: 18/12/2022

Currently: First conversation with patient about his life. Patient describes his childhood as "normal". Grew up with two parents, went to daycare and primary school here. Due to excellent study results offered place at high-achieving high school. Moved at the age of 13 to live in the facilities of the high school. Started studying physics in the city university after graduation from high school. Outstanding results. Parents died when patient was 20 in a car accident. Patient says he does not consider this as trauma. Says he was already subdued by then, felt sadness after the accident but was not devastated, in patient's own words. Symptoms of burnout in university. Tackled this with alcohol and substance abuse, mostly marijuana but also amphetamine and ecstasy. Culminated in what patient describes as panic attack that lasted 10 hours, scream-cried for that period of time. This was the spring before graduation. Graduated top of his year. God a job in an IT company, stopped substance abuse and hasn't used since then. Kept drinking alcohol, about three glasses of wine each night, vodka on Fridays and Saturdays. Worked out three times a week and then drank afterwards. Says he finds no joy in anything he does and hasn't got about ten years. Anhedonic. Sometimes despair. Denies that anything in particular had happened on the night of his suicide attempt. Says he has refused medication because he's scared of it. On sick leave from his job. Patient says he's on good terms with his boss. Patient confirms he's afraid of losing his job.

Psychiatric status: Good formal, lacking emotional contact. Speaks with monotonous voice. Answers questions adequately, paints a good picture of scenarios he describes, respects turn-taking, follows red thread throughout conversation. Inadequate eye contact in the form of staring, patient does not look away at any point. Jumps his leg most of the conversation.

Planning: Next week discussion about medication. Deem it beneficial to make patient understand how antidepressants work. 

It became like a game between us.

A game where we tried to act as if we hardly knew each other.

Our friendship seemed to be accepted by most staff, or at least the ones that counted; the consultants, Steven... Some of the other nurses did cast sideways glances my way when I passed, tinted with disliking. But it didn't bother me that much. Me and Izuna kept at our game.

"Hi", I would say as I passed the room where he was engrossed in a game of pool.

"Hello", he would say, not looking at me due to a played shyness.

And I would move on.

We didn't have our meals together anymore; Izuna didn't need it and so had decided with his doctors that it was good that he tried to have his dinner with the rest of us in the kitchen.

"Excuse me", I would say as I accidentally took the spoon for the peas before him.

"No, you go first", he would offer innocently.

I was worried Izuna's autism would stand in the way of him understanding it was but a game for me, but sometimes, when I caught his eye when he was secretly watching me, he would look away and blush with a small smile, and I would understand that he was fine. That we were fine.

I was filled with excitement during this time. I would lay awake at nights, unable to fall asleep, re-living our hour at the little lake over and over. As we had finished kissing, he had just stood up, and as I lay beneath him, he'd removed all of his clothes, stood naked above me. I had stared at him, then stood up, undressed as well. Hand-in-hand, we'd walked into the lake. We'd dipped our heads in the December water, come up gasping, hugging our wet, slick skins close to find warmth. We had kissed, the sweetness of the water and the saltiness of him delicious in my mouth. I didn't know how we managed to stop. Maybe, we didn't. Maybe, we never would.