Your Trail of Blood in the Snow

Chapter 15

He flew as fast as he could and continued to do so as far as his strength would allow. He didn't want to look back, no, he didn't want to because he thought that if he looked back he would see Larry or Montimer. He didn't know why he had that image in his head. It also left him with a vague emptiness to leave, something similar to pain, barely perceptible, but the farther he got away from them the more it increased. He didn't know why; he barely knew Larry, with great difficulty he talked to Montimer, and he played with the children and only that... but it hurt him.

The sun was already projecting itself more sharply on the horizon, warmer, but Lucas' body was cold as an iceberg, like an icicle stuck to the roof of a cave at the entrance of a den. Why was he leaving in the first place? Why didn't he say goodbye to those who welcomed him? Why...? Why did it hurt? A gust of strong wind whipped him. It was not as cold as the others and made him experience some turbulence.

Lucas looked to the side, then up into the leaden, misty sky, then down into the undergrowth of brittle, frozen glass. He suddenly remembered Montimer's wiry, stony expression. I didn't know what he thought of him, if only he had told me that he was not to his liking, if only he had said something to me at that moment this pain I feel I would not feel now, so martyrizing, but he didn't, he just left, just left and didn't tell me anything... I'm not one to ask his opinion of me, I'm not, but I think he would be more at ease if he thought right or wrong. On the other hand, Larry, Larry who I saved, a friend? I don't know, but he told me he was my friend and he hugged me and promised me he would always be, but... what if... No... Yes... I'm afraid it's too good to be true. Ron and Richie, the kids who thought I was their brother... they're just kids, but in their looks there was no malice, but thankfulness and admiration, reassurance and an indefinable variability of expressions. I will miss them...

Lucas landed on a branch and realized he had nowhere to go. Where would he go? Who was waiting for him? Jordan, his father was dead, who took him in... he only escaped from them because he thought that the reality in which they lived, their games, their laughter, their hobbies, their happiness, were alien to him. Lucas began to shed tears without realizing it. He felt a gust of soft, cold wind. The hairs on his face moved, his ears danced, the ashen-colored coat moved to the rhythm and beat of the gust and with them his mind began to ponder. He did not want to look back. He was afraid to see Montimer behind him. He was afraid of that kind of happiness that was once taken from him, that was ripped from his rosy hands. He was afraid that he would experience it again, and life would do its work again and take that precious thing away from him, but what if they didn't want to be with him? Maybe they just felt compelled by what Lucas did. Larry was very expressive with him and told him things that really shook him, things that made him think, but Lucas is a coward, he thought, a stupid coward. And Montimer. He thanked him and took care of him. He cared for him and despite his strange indifference he cared for him.

Lucas heard the rustling of the trees. It was as if they were moaning or groaning.

He went without knowing where he was going. Several hours had already passed and nothing. He was alone, standing on a branch waiting for what does not exist, waiting for what was only in his imagination, wishing and not wanting it to come true.

He took a deep breath.

Where will I go? he thought.

"Nowhere," he said to himself in a faint whisper. "Nowhere," he repeated in a softer voice.

Then he wished with all his might that Rei had taken him away, because Larry would have been fine and he would have kept his promise and he would no longer worry about the future. "Future." "Future." He smiled. He had no future. He would wait for death; he would wait for it like he always waited for it after that incident. He would wait for it like when he helped the other animals. He would wait for it like he waited for it the day he met Larry, but from that day on he didn't wait for it anymore, not anymore... but today... today he would wait for it again.