Never Lost, Always Found

Chapter Seven

        When Bailey and I get into the kitchen, it is clean and Bailey's dad is waiting on a stool for me. "I'm sorry," he says. "I really am." "It's alright," I say with a sniffle. Bailey sighs. "Dad, I forgot to tell you about what happened between her and Benji," she says. She gives a brief explanation as to why I reacted in such an uncalled-for way. Staring longingly out of the window, I watch as people pass.

I make an attempt to stop the conversation, which actually just means I just run out of the giant house. I unlock the gate and run out of the property. Dashing past many blocks to get back to my house, I start to look back and realize my mistake. I hesitate, then start to run back towards my house.

All I can imagine is how welcoming they are of me, but I can't go back. I've made so many mistakes that involve Benji, Bailey and her dad, and myself that I can't help but wonder about my purpose. Why did I ever think I could make friends when all I do is get so sensitive I run away from my problems or I just blank out, devoid of any human relations? My friends don't understand that I'm so afraid of losing them, I lose myself.

My broken arm throbs slightly as I dangle it behind me. I feel empty inside, withered, alone, like a tree in the fall, barren and dead. I mean, I understand it still is alive, but I feel dead and rotten. Like an apple that has got worms through it. I shake my head out of it and keep running. What kind of monster am I to do this to my newest friend?

I don't need to say it aloud to comprehend it.

While I run, all I can hear is the disapproving voice of my very own mom. "You give up again? Really? You need to stick up like a man like your dad taught you to be!"

I just keep imagining that all the way up until I get to Benji's house, where I see him gazing from his kitchen window. Does he have something in his hand, a plate perhaps? He sets whatever he's holding down and turns around. His eyes are sorry, desolate. My eyes start to tear up, and I notice his blue eyes are turning that same bright blue as they always have. Except they have a touch of sorrow, something I never saw in him. He is always the jokester, what's wrong with him now?

He takes his gaze off of me and washes his dishes again. I walk away.

"I'm forgotten, I don't think anybody cares about me," I mutter to myself. I kick a stone and keep mumbling to myself. I arrive at my house, pull my house key from my pocket, and unlock the house.

The silence is still eerie, although I understand why it's here. I lock the door behind me and sigh, leaning against the door. I run upstairs to my room, pulling out my phone and looking desperately for Mom's contacts. She isn't there, and I groan with frustration.

I do notice a little bubble next to Benji's phone number, though. I click out conversation, and I stare at Benji's messages. I'm dumbfounded by his conflicted apology messages. His statements read:

Hey Paige, I'm super sorry.

I don't want to hang out right now.

I love you.

Why do you never answer me?

I sigh, flopping onto my bed. I lay on my back, trying to count the dots on the ceiling to take my mind off of the thoughts echoing in my mind. I inaudibly whisper some things under my breath, and they just fly out. Some I can make out as jumbled cuss words tossed in a sentence. While I curse myself, I think of everything I could sing.

Nothing comes across my mind because it is overcast and awfully disruptive like the clouds outside that occasionally leave spots of sun beaming on the ground. I get off of my bed and pace around my room, my arms folded behind my back. The cast starts to itch, but I ignore it and walk over to my window. Watching from it, I sit confused and angry. If I knew it would help, I would kick myself.