Never Lost, Always Found

Chapter Twenty One

        Tonight, I dream of dancing with Benji. Or that's what I really think I'm trying to dream about. I can hear the music in the background, but it's dark in my dream world. When I open my dreamy eyes, I notice the world's foggy. I sit up and get out of bed. I look around, trying to find Benji. I try to scream, but my mouth makes no sound.

Suddenly, I'm transported onto a unicycle on a stage, Daniel and Benji dancing in the circus act. It's very frightening because I can see the crowd is made up of mannequins with black x's written on their faces instead of eyes. When this so-called "show" is over, I greet my friends. They don't talk to me though, which scares me. I reach over to touch Benji's shoulder, but my hand falls through him.

I fall to my knees and start to weep as the world falls out from around me. I am shrouded in darkness again. Where am I, and why is this happening to me? This isn't trying to dream about dancing with Benji anymore.

This is a full-fledged nightmare.

I wake up from the nightmare drenched in sweat. A hand falls onto mine, and I see Benji's worried face. Daniel's softly snoring. "Come here," Benji whispers, slipping quietly from the bed. I follow his lead, pursuing him out into the hallway and downstairs back into the living room. It's dark in the house.

He sits on the couch and asks, "Is everything alright?" "Yeah," I say breathlessly. He shakes his head and says, "I don't believe you." He sighs then continues with, "You know, I haven't been too happy lately." "I know, Benji," I say. "It's not Jason I miss. I mean, I miss him, but at the same time, I feel bad about a lot more."

"A lot more of what?" I ask. "Well, for starters, I feel like I have two sides to me. One that's showing you the real me, the white, light part of me. Then there's a part that shows the much darker part of me. That's the sadness, stress, anger. You name a negative trait, it's there. It's outburst central. That part's the pitch black, dark part of me. I'm hiding the dark part only by the thin layers of my skin," he says.

"Wow," I say.

"It's not fun," he says. "I never said it was," I say. "What's the black part's name?" "I never thought about giving it a name. I just know you keep the dark part at bay for some time." I consider this. A two-parted human? No, his mental state is just in disrepair. The reason I can maintain it is likely the fact that I'm someone he adores.

I sit next to him on the couch and take his hand. "You know, Benji, I love you dearly. I wouldn't allow you ever to fall to your dark parts. I swear," I say. He smiles, "Thanks." He kisses me on the lips and sends the soft tingling down my body again. It's so beautiful that I want to hold him tighter in my arms.

He lets go of me, and we sit in silence for a few minutes until I say, "I want to stay with you forever." "I would love to do that too," he says. I rest my head on his shoulder. "And that's how it should be," I say. He holds my hand and takes a deep breath. "I love you, Paige. I freaking love you more than you could ever know," he says.

Benji's eyes lock on mine. I lift my head from his shoulder as he draws me closer to him. "That is the way it should be," he says. "That's not always the case, but I would love it to be." I smile.

How fast can the fall go? Well, I'm not sure because it's almost Christmas. Benji and I loved spending Christmas together as younger kids, but now we just kind of come over to talk and let our parents get us books for next semester. That's alright though because most of the time they come in handy. Actually, they never come into contact with me because I don't care about grades. I will next year because these count for us to get into college. Shoot. College is coming up in two years.