Never Lost, Always Found

Chapter Nine

        I see my pile of books down gently on my desk again and contemplate whether or not I should read the notebook. My conscience chooses I should, and I hustle over to it, scooping it in my arms and flipping it open.

The first entry I read is, "Dear Journal, I made a big mistake. My best friend Paige is super nice to me, but I keep feeling worried she's so upset that she's slipping away from me. Actually, I think she's slipping away from me because I'm slowly fading from her view. I always keep the photo of a couple of months ago in my wallet, the day I got my driver's license. We drove to the park not too far off from Apple Lake and celebrated there. I wish she'd get her license so she could try my Volvo out. She's afraid to, though. That's what I love about her, she's always been different. She sees different as bad, and that's why I think she's slipping away. I try to talk to her, but it makes me feel upset or cast off by any situation I'm in. She broke her arm for me, and all I do is shove her in a locker when I could have thanked her and signed her cast? I feel just terrible about it. I'm having problems explaining how much I love her. I'm just a mess for her, but she needs to open up to someone. I want to love her as everyone else does. She just has so much anxiety that I want her to feel together, united with people. She needs to see the sun, just like me. I want her to stay friends with me, and one day even to become my girlfriend. She can't do that walling herself off from everyone. She needs to lift her head out of the gutter. Signed, Benji."

My eyes well up at the first one, but I choke back tears as I read the next one. "Dear Journal, my heart is broken right now. She's been hurt, and I now know she needs someone to care for her. When it's your best friend that's alone and in pain, you want to step in. I really like her new friend Bailey, who's dating my friend Daniel Murphy. I wish Paige would join our group. I knocked on her door the other day with the group, but she didn't answer. Bailey wanted to apologize for touching a sensitive part, as she puts it. I wanted to apologize to her too, but she didn't answer so we walked away. There's a talent show this Friday, and I hope she does it. Her singing voice is so good that she could blow everyone away. Even with a cast in her way, she can stand through anything. I'm glad that we're friends. Or we were, anyway. Unless she still wants to be my best friend, that is. I wish she didn't think of herself as a burden. She needs to build her confidence. Hopefully, you can help me, Journal."

I set the journal on my stack of books, wiping tears from my eyes, refusing to read more. I walk out of the classroom, scanning for Benji. I find him staring at me. He notices his journal and charges over to me. "What are you doing with my journal?" he snarls. "N-nothing," I say, "I didn't do anything, I swear." "Your eyes are red. So you did read it!" he says, his voice rising. I shrink down, "Yeah," I whisper.

He stomps away, heading back over to Daniel and Bailey. She gives me a disapproving glance as I scribble down some more useless lyrics I really don't like onto the paper. I want to curl up and die, but I just walk away. I feel empty inside, as if something is there, waiting to jump at me. But there is nothing. I am bereft of all emotion.

I go through the rest of the school day with no problem. Bailey, Daniel, and Benji stick together like a pack, a pack that I've torn away from. I don't belong there in their eyes. I'm fine with that. But Bailey stops me right before we leave. "Do you have those lyrics?" she asks. "I guess so," I say. I make no eye contact with her as she says, "Well, sing them!"

Every song I sing gets a scowl. "They are good, but need a lot of work," she says. "Why do you care so much about this and your little group?" I ask. She groans, "And what does that matter?" "Well, you do understand we used to be great friends, but you ignore me now-" I say, before explaining everything to her shortly.

She rolls her eyes and flips her hair. "Whatever," she says, walking back over to her new friend group. I feel a tap on my shoulder. I turn around and spot a boy, a handsome one, with ash-colored hair, blue eyes, and a short, curt smile. "Hey, I'm Russel," he says. "Hi," I say. He looks at me curiously. "So, Paige, your singing is magnificent," he says.