SECRETS | j.b

4: "Wear a rubber band around your wrist and snap it gently against your skin."

I woke up as I normally did, but I didn't feel like getting out of bed. I didn't feel like doing anything. I eventually got out of bed but instead of going to my bathroom, I want out into the hall and went to my mom's room.

She was still asleep so I shook her lightly, "What," she snapped. I took a step back she really wasn't a morning person, "Oh Elizabeth, what is it sweetie?"

"Can I stay home today I'm not feeling to good." I looked at her with sad eyes, hoping she can see the pain that I feel today, and my unwillingness to actually do anything today.

"OK alright just go back to bed," I nodded and walked back to my room. I crawled back into bed and fell asleep with my cold air conditioner blazing, and a fan running on my face.

When I woke up a few hours later, it was already ten. I got up and went into the kitchen and on the fridge ,there was a note taped that said my mom was out because she had a doctors appointment and that she had some things to take care of. I nodded to myself. So, I was home alone great.

I opened the fridge to find something to eat. I looked for a while and then decided I wasn't hungry, and I wasn't really in the mood to make any food that required preparation. I closed it and went back up to my room.

I took a quick shower and put on a black and white stripped tank top, I threw on a pair of jean shorts and converse. I threw my hair into a pony tail and went outside. I started to walk , I wasn't paying attention to what I was doing I was just walking.

I got to the far end of the neighborhood where the town stops and the woods begin. I took one of the trails and continued to keep walking. I got pretty far in, about a mile or so, when I decided to stop. I took a seat on a fallen log. It wasn't very humid here so there wasn't any moss on the fallen tree. I took a long look around me, It was so quiet here- just me and my thoughts.

I began to cry as the past three years had strolled through my mind. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and just stop every thing to just enjoy being a kid and to just forget about all the pain I've suffered through this past year especially. I looked at the marks on my left forearm. each one representing a time that the pain was too much.

There were only a few, but the majority of them are covered up with my pants. Starting cuts on my wrists is a new thing for me, I never wanted anyone to be able to see them. I was all alone, surrounded by so many people I still felt alone and like I had no one to turn to. I cried more and pulled my knees to my chest and put my head down. Every one of these cuts on my body signify a time in my life where I could've gave up, but I didn't.

Each one of these cuts show how many time I was so close to giving up but I stuck through the pain anyway.

I cried and thought about all of it- the past week, the past month, the past year, my whole life. I tried to remember sometimes when I was truly happy but found that even those times had a glimmer of sadness to them as well.

At a time like this, I try not to dwell on those happy times. When I do, I think of all the underlying sadness in every happy memory I have. I frowned and looked at the sky, the sun was far off to the west. It must have been at least four at this time. I stood and went back the direction I had came back to my house. I went to my room and grabbed my phone. I had three missed calls two from my mom and one from Justin. I called my mom back to see what she wanted.

MOM: "Hello"

ME: "Hey mom what did you want?"

MOM: "Why didn't you answer your phone?"

ME: "I went out for a walk and forgot it, I'm sorry what did you want?"

MOM: "I was going to tell you that I'm going to be a little late so I'm just going to pick up a pizza for tonight, is that OK with you?"