SECRETS | j.b

epilogue

April 30

So my counselor has me writing in a journal now. She says it will help me identify my feelings and figure out how to work through them. I'm not completely sure that it will but I guess I'm willing to try anything. I don't really like this place all that I keep thinking is that I need to get out of here, but I know I need help.

May 7

I've been in here a whole week and its torture. Well that's being slightly dramatic I guess. I haven't really been talking to anyone because everyone here kind of scares me a little. The only person I've talked to is my councilor. I've been allowed an mp3 player only no other electronic device and that's only because here they believe that music can help and thank god for that. Although they are strict on the type of mp3 it's not like we all have IPods because let's face it they can do almost everything a phone does so the only thing they allow here is strict mp3 player like that's all it does is play music. Also I'm only allowed to use it during study hall or free time.

May 14

I've started spending my free time in the library. I've read about three books in the past week but it's not the books that keep me going back. There is this girl and this boy that I see in the library every day. It's not really like a library you would think of, there are only a few shelves of books and the rest of the room is tables. Everyone usually sits in the library talking or listening to music, but these two are always eating. Well the boy is I don't think I've seen the girl eat more than a few bites. I think that's what she's here for. She might be anorexic because I feel like she's really skinny. The boy I don't know if he is even a 'resident' here. He seems perfectly normal. I think she's probably his girlfriend, or his sister I'm not too sure, but these two fascinate me for some reason I haven't been able to point out.

June 4

The girl isn't there anymore but the boy is still there. So he is a 'resident' he sits there every day with the food he used to share with her. I think I heard someone say that she was his sister and that she died but I've still never talked to him. I want to but I don't know what I would say. He seems upset usually but he never listens to music I noticed. Everyone usually has headphones in if they aren't talking to someone but not him he doesn't do anything but sit there. I really want to know who he is. June 18 His name is Alex and he talked to me today. I don't know why but he did. I was trying to find a new book to read and I hadn't even noticed he walked in. I had picked up a book and he spoke, "That's a really great book." His voice was different than how I expected. I guess I have such a weird imagination that I started to picture him and what he would be like. We spent the rest of free time talking about books that we had read. He and I had a lot in common, superficial stuff but still it was a start.

July 3

So I usually write on Wednesdays but I got distracted yesterday because I spent like all day with Alex. Neither of us had counseling so we pretty much had a free day. I've been feeling so much better since he and I started talking. We first didn't talk about anything really personal but when I started to tell my counselor about him she suggested that getting closer wouldn't be a bad thing. When we started to talk about why we were here I realized we have that in common too. He's in here for 'self-harming' as they call it. We both had a near death experience with it that landed us in here. Although his sister was the one who found him and he had done it intentionally. He told me that was when his sister finally admitted to her eating disorder and they both agreed to get help. He told me that she had been trying rather hard at least that's how it seemed. She had passed out in her dorm and they weren't able to save her.

August 20

So it's been four months. I'm halfway through treatment and I feel better. I know there is still a lot that I have to work through in the coming four months but I feel like I can do this. I start taking my classes soon so when I get out I don't have to redo the first semester. I'm a senior now which means that when I get out in December ill have six months of school. I'm kind of stressing about the idea of growing up but my councilor is working on that with me. We've started to talk about possible schools and majors. I'm worried but not worried.

September 3

The school work has been a little harder than I anticipated but I'm making it work. The way they are doing things here isn't like regular school. Most days my schedule is breakfast around seven, schooling for three hours, Lunch an hour, more school for three hours and then counseling either group or individual for an hour and then the rest of the time is free until dinner and then after dinner is showers and curfew which means I'm usually out by like eight thirty and up the next day by six thirty seven o'clock for breakfast then the same all over again. Most of free time Alex and I are in the library but some days when it's nice outside we sit in the grass and talk. There isn't much else we can do there is a small game room but usually people go in there to visit with family who come to visit, so Alex and I don't go in there since we are both on the same program where we aren't supposed to see anyone until we leave. It's kind of weird but I guess in serious cases they think that it's better not to distract the patients with family drama which is sure what my mother would come to tell me about.

September 24

I've been thinking a lot lately about Justin. I don't know if it's because I have three months left and it keeps getting closer or if it's because Alex and I have started to get closer. I feel like I've told him more than I've ever told Justin but he gets it more than Justin would. Justin can only try to understand because he's never felt like I have but Alex has been there and done that. We had been sitting in the grass a few days ago and I'm pretty sure he was going to kiss me. I had changed the topic quickly making sure that nothing happened but part of me wanted it to. I love Justin believe me but I just don't know maybe it's because I miss him that I'm feeling this way. Maybe I'm craving the affection of a real relationship that I'm starting to see that in Alex.

December 18

Tomorrow is the day that I go home. It's been a long eight months but I'm ready I can tell. Tomorrow I'll be taking a train with my counselor back home where she will get on a different train and I'll be going home. I'm not sure who is going to be picking me up but I don't really care I'm just ready to be at home in my own bed. I know I'm not totally fixed but I know that I'll work through it and it should be easier this time. After the holiday I'll be going to see a therapist regularly until school lets out and then it's my choice if I decide to stay with it or stop. That was the schools only request that and a copy of the certificate of completion from the center here. Alex got to leave yesterday and it was a sad good bye. I wish I could say we would keep in touch but just about the only thing I know about him contact wise is his name. I don't know if he has a phone or even an email, but I guess I can look him up on Facebook when I get home.

December 19

Today I get to go home. This is the final page in my journal from the center I've been advised to start a new one when I get home but we'll see if I actually do it. I think it's helped a little but I'm not sure if I'll be able to keep up with it like I want to. If I do then I'm sure I'll have a lot to say. I'll be seeing Justin soon I'm just not sure how soon since I still don't know who is picking me up. I'm nervous and excited we are five minutes away from the station and then it's only a little longer until I'm home...