Thoughts

Love

Let's start from base one...Anyways let's talk about him shall we.Who's him you maybe asking... He is, in my eyes, perfect.To me he's the best.Well he's my best friend also my crush Braden.I love him to me, he's the best person I've ever met.He's funny,kind,doesn't judge.Plus he loves music.I don't really know if he loves me though the way I love him.Ha it breaks my heart to know he probably doesn't like me.He probably just has pity on me and hangs out with me because i'm always sad and somethings always wrong.He's really caring...it's been awhile since someone cared for me other than Lyla.Lyla was the only one who would really care.Then I started talking to Braden.Sometimes I think he's playing with my feelings but idk anymore.With Braden it's just been different but good.I think I'm finally starting to forgive myself.Learn from my mistakes and accept people and people starting to accept me.Maybe having Braden in my life is ⏃ good thing.Braden's ⏃ really nice person.He might think it's annoying when he talks about his stories to me but I love it he's really creative when it comes to it.I find it fascinating of how he sees the world.Nice to know he's usually there if I need someone to talk to he's really dependable and he can keep ⏃ secret even if I hid a lot from him which I shouldn't.I mean I want to tell him but he'll probably think of me as ⏃ different person.I mean Mia tries to help but fails because Braden gets uncomfortable.Plus I want him to like me for me and not because my friends force him to say "I love you" which has happened multiple times.It's not the best when your crush says it but doesn't mean it.I don't even think he likes me anymore.It's fine if he doesn't but I need to know so I can stop liking him or I'll get my heart broken.I've already gotten it broken.I really don't wanna repeat if that.It hurts when the person you like toys with your feeling.I get it I've learned my mistakes and fixing them.I don't flirt with my friend as often as I use to.I only do it with one person who can take the joke.I think he doesn't like me because he doesn't act like it.Maybe I should stop liking him before anything gets serious.What if he doesn't care...wait this is Braden no one knows.I wish I could just ask him for his opinion but idk that's just weird.What if I do get my heart broken?That would just be sad and something I don't need right now.I love him but he doesn't like me or that's what I think...why am I always down on everything?I guess I'm just scared he's gonna do what everyone else does to me forget I even exist.Braden I hope is different.Maybe he does like me...that's just wishful thinking.Why do I like him?I'm just hopelessly devoted to him.I'm ⏃ fool to think he could ever love me.He only sees me as ⏃ friend.My heads saying just forget him and move on this isn't going anywhere and he probably seems annoyed with me talking about it.I don't wanna force him to like me I want him to like me for me.Not because he feels forced...if he feels forced then I'll stop liking him.My my heart says don't let go because he's ⏃ great person,he's cute,funny,his eyes are the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.Everything about him I love and I never want to let go.But I really should...I should just lie to myself.If I make him feel uncomfortable it's not worth it.I really don't deserve him...he deserves someone who is equally as great as he is.I have to let go otherwise it's gonna get in the way of our friendship.I'd rather have him as ⏃ friend then nothing at all.I want to be the one who let's go...I don't wanna relate of all the other times.I'm just scared my heart is gonna get broken again.I'm done with everyone I've ever had ⏃ crush on leaving me.It's mostly my fault...I don't give people second chance but once I do they no longer need my friendship.They run along wanting ⏃ new person who's more interested then me.I was just the one they got board with.It's always the same.I guess why I keep saying forget him.I've fallen more hard for him then any other person and I'm scared what if he hates me,or he thinks I'm being over dramatic.I'm scared I'm going to lose him.Why...why the one time I'm trying to forget love he has to show up,don't get me wrong it's great but...I'm always desperate for love.I have ⏃ really bad habit of it.Why now am I starting to feel like this.SNAP OUT OF IT.I wanna scream at myself until I learn my lesson to stop liking him.There nothing wrong with him he did nothing wrong on the contrary, it's me who's messing up everything.Maybe this is karma for not being a good girlfriend to my past partners and back then not being ready for a relationship...and breaking the other person's heart by breaking up with them because I wasn't ready then,once I was they had to leave me.Plus faking liking someone then only to have it thrown back at me.See I really don't deserve him.I think it's best if I don't do anything.I feel like ⏃ terrible person...I'm not good for anyone.Nobody loves me,especially not Braden. He really does deserve someone better. He should just leave me while he still has the chance.I'll end up being ⏃ bad girlfriend.Even tho I'll never know because we never dated, so I'll never know.But I probably would.So maybe it's best if I just let my crush run its course.I hope I can handle getting my heart broken.
Some more letters

Out of all the people you are special.I'm saying you make me feel happy about living.Your an amazing person.I love everything about you.Your creative with your stories.And I love to hear you go on rants about it.It makes you seem friendly to be around your not afraid to speak your mind.If I had nobody you let me talk to you.And your supportive and I appreciate that.Your an incredible person

When you love someone you love them with all your heart and you don't care about their flaws.That's how I feel about Braden.Yea it's gonna be one of these again but I can't help it.I know I really need someone to talk to about this but everyone seems to be busy.So here we go this again.Reasons why I think Braden is ⏃ great person and some vents.He's always there when I need someone to talk to.He's funny and never fails to make me laugh.I really love him.I think he's starting to lose interest in me tho.If he is I'm fine with that but he needs to let me know so I can stop liking him.But I can't I'm hopelessly devoted.I have really bad detachment issues I guess it's from all my other traumatic experiences with friends.He never fails to make me smile.I mean I don't want him to feel bad.He's ⏃ great person and I love him for that.I love his new haircuts to.When I first saw it I was panicking because of how good it looked.