Walking away from Mr Stark with a slight smile on my face I pushed open my door and my face fell. The smell of blood from the previous, god only knows how many, times i've relapsed that I've never had enough energy to clean up, hit me in the face a million miles an hour. My room was dark and the curtains were pulled, even through the light in the hallway I could tell my clothes were all over the floor along with dead bandages, empty packs of cigarettes,dead vapes and all kinds of makeshift binders I had used in the past.
The scene had my mind reeling and spinning. I know I have to clean it up but there's so much to do I can't- i just- i don't know where to start i don't have a clothes bin and i can't put my bandages in my bathroom bin everyone will see it, not to mention the smokes and.. other things.
I don't know what to do and i have to shower and i have to watch a movie with the team but i can't watch a movie if i have so much to do and then there's that bread roll i ate today...
There's so much to do i can't keep up with it, my heads gonna explode
My breathing is starting to speed up, my hands start shaking and my eyes start getting teary but I have enough common sense left in me to take a few steps into my room and lock and close the door. I slide down the back of it and put my head between my knees. I can't believe it only took the task of cleaning my room to tear down the wall of optimism I had.
Aw failed so soon?
No surprise you're a fucking fat failure
No one wants you
You can't escape this
You only have one salvation
Come on you know you want too
No one would miss you
Your body would be found 3 weeks later after you smell worse than usual
You're an ugly woman
You'll never be a man
You'll only ever be a disgrace of a female.
You cant even prove yourself to the one person who still talks to you-
"SHUT UP! SHUT UP!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!" I scream, the voice falls quiet.
It takes me a moment to realise I said that out loud and put my hand over my mouth. I stand up and run around trying to pick up everything in my room and just throw it into my cupboard and using my spider strength i was able to before i heard the inevitable pound on my door
"KID, KID ARE YOU OK?"
"Y-yeah mr stark i was just uh sending a voice message... to ned, sorry if i worried you sir"
"Pete, I'm coming in ok?"
"Uh sure haha, let me unlock the door-"
"Why is it locked?"
"Because I was going to shower but got distracted...texting ned?"
"Oh right"
I open the door to see Mr Stark looking super worried and panting, I feel so disgusting. It's my fault he's so stressed, you fuckwit parker.
"Pete , you ok?" mr stark runs in and hugs me, i don't know how to feel but i just hug him back what i thought was nonchalant like.
I wish I could tell him what's wrong but I can't, he doesn't deserve to be so worried about me. I'm... nothing...
Clearly my silence wasn't a good enough answer to him because he stopped hugging me and grabbed my shoulders and looked me in the eyes.
He's crying...?
Oh my god
Hes crying
I...
I did this.
Me
I made tony stark...cry
It was at this moment I knew I wasn't worth the pain I was causing.
"Kid... kid please... you don't need to lie to me... i know you're lying, just... Please tell me the truth."
I cant sir i can't...
"Sir i don't know what you're on about, why would i lie to you?" I say looking into his eyes with what I hoped was a comforting smile.
He gripped my shoulders, a bit too tight for my liking, before he said
"Peter, you're a horrible liar, just tell me whats wrong"
"Mr stark nothing is wrong, i think you need more sleep before coming in making wild accusations at me. I told you what I was doing and you accuse me of lying. That makes me rather upset and I would find it reasonable to ask you to leave me alone and get some sleep before you hurt someone... or yourself" I stepped away, forcing his hands off my shoulders and gave him a cold stare.
He looked... gobsmacked?
Somehow keeping my composure I brushed past him, opened the door and stood by it, gesturing for him to leave.
I just wanted to curl up and die when he looked in my eyes with what I could only explain as betrayal.
He regained his composure, wiped his eyes, put his sunglasses on and walked out the door, though not before saying
"I see my care has been misplaced, Parker. don't let something like this little... mishap happen again. Or you'll justhave to find another charity's ass to kiss"
He walked out, snatching the door knob from me and forcibly shutting the door.
And I couldn't feel anything.
YOU ARE READING
I don't even know who i am anymore
Fanfic⚠️ Trigger warning ⚠️ This story contains self harm please be careful and love yourself ❤️✨ Peter doesn't know who he is anymore, he's just trying to keep up appearances and stay the happy peter everyone loves, but it's getting harder and harder. W...
