I don't even know who i am anymore

Chapter 1 ~ who even am I

Peters POV.

I hate this. I. Hate. It. But sometimes I can't help, I just- don't feel good enough, not anymore. I've lost the happy Peter I used to be, I wish I was still him, but recently it feels like he's been on a permanent holiday. I wish he would just come back, I need him, I can't keep pretending to be happy.

I think Mr Stark is beginning to see through me. I always keep up a smile but my eyes tell a different story.

Natasha is beginning to get suspicious as well, the other day I was training with her, I let a 'shit' slip as I felt my cuts open again on my thigh as she tripped me over. I played it off as just having stiff muscles, but I don't know if she believed me. God, if only I could hide it better.

As for Steve and Bucky, I don't know if they have realised yet, I obviously always wear long pants and shirts but still. It's getting harder to hide. There obviously are ways to deal with it, more ... permanent ... ways. But I don't know if I'm quite ready for that yet.

Bruce is always too busy to notice, at least I think so, I don't fully trust myself with that, to be fair I've never trusted myself, but still.

Clint is never really over but when he is I try to stay kinda distanced because he has teens the same age and could probably recognise the signs.

Sam is kind of distanced from me, I mean he probably thinks I am too young to be an avenger, but he means well, I think.

Wanda and Vision aren't very close with me, I don't know why Wanda doesn't like me. I've never done anything to upset her... but I don't blame her, I hate myself more than she would hate me. Vision is just a bit robotic in a way, he's nice though, just not human enough to notice.

Ned and MJ might have started to notice but haven't yet mentioned anything. I'm fearing the day they do, I don't know what to tell them. But I always make sure I pretend to be 'happy' peter around them.

Though, if I'm being honest, I don't know who I am anymore. Certainly not happy Peter, not sad Peter, not angry Peter, more... numb Peter, the kind of numb that makes you feel pain and self loathing but not real emotions, the only emotions I feel are fake.

All this has led up to where I am now on top of a random building in New York, in the pouring rain. Patrol finished hours ago, I didn't tell mr stark he'd probably just scold me. After all it is 3 am on a Saturday night.

Not to mention it's freezing, but I enjoy the cold it kind of seizes up my arms as I shiver creating small shocks of pain from my 'decorated' arms every time. I like it, I've always loved the rain, May and Ben always let me stay up a little late as a child to let me watch the rain, though since Ben's gone, Mays still has been an amazing aunt and mother figure but, sometimes it feels like a part of me is missing. 

I can fell that voice in the back of head saying 

you'll never be good enough

Give up now

You're so close to the edge

Just jump and the problems will go

You know mr stark just pity's you

You're a freak

A mutant

He pity's you

You're just a freak

Freak 

Freak

Just jump

Do it

Do it

Do it

I feel the temptation build up inside me, I feel myself get closer to the edge, I back away knowing I shouldn't do it, not in the suit people will find out who I am, and I really don't need that right now. Besides mr stark might start tracking me.

My suit has started letting the rain through to my scarred skin, so I decide to call it a night at 4 am to leave and go back to my room and suffer in silence and put on a fake smile. 

And within that I swing of pain erupting in arms every time, and equally every time it's a bittersweet feeling. One no one will know about,  not if I  have anything to say about it.

~ hey lovely's, I'm always here for you and remember that this is not the answer. You are needed and important. You mean the world to someone, and they would give their life for yours, love yourself. Ily ❤️✨🥰🤍