I don't even know who i am anymore

Chapter 4 - cold shoulder

Tony's POV.

It's 6:30 am, Peter should be up getting ready for school by now? Geez, this kid will be the death of me, I care about him so much.

I think I'll take Nat up on that offer to invite him to work on the suit today and get him to trust me, because then he will let me in and tell me if somethings up.

...won't he?

I knock on his door, well I'm about too when he opens it and runs into me I look at him as he steps back and say 'you good kid...?'

He hesitates a moment. Clearly still in his head since I assume he just woke up, and then said yeah mr stark, just a little sleepy that it.'

'You sure peter?' He looks mildly upset that I used his full name which I haven't done for quite a while.

He smiles and says 'yeah mr stark, I'm sure'

I decided to ask what I came here to ask. 'Ok kid, wanna work on your suit today?'

He does that little awkward smile he does that is slightly amusing.

'uh mr stark, I have school today' he scratches the base of his neck

'oh right aha' I feel a little disappointed not gonna lie, I must have shown this since he said

''Maybe after school?' I smile and say

''Sure kid sounds great, now hurry up and get ready for school or you'll miss the bus'

He looks upset for a moment and turns around mumbling an 'ok mr stark'

I snicker and walk back to the kitchen to eat breakfast.

Nat's there and says 'hey stark, how's the kid?'

He looking better, we're working on his suit later today.'

'That's good tony, that's really good' she says with a slight smile and walks back to her room with a coffee.

I return to my muffin and walk to my lab, just tinkering on some basic stuff.

Peters POV.

'You good kid...?'

No no I'm not, I don't see an end to the horrors unless I end it myself.

'Yeah mr stark, just a little sleepy that's it.'

''You sure Peter?'

Shit, he knows somethings up, I'll just have to pretend to be ok.

'Yeah mr stark, I'm sure' I smile a fake smile to convince him.

He smiles and says 'ok kid, you wanna work on your suit today?'

I smile and say 'uh mr stark, I have school today' scratching the base of my neck

I really do not want to go whatsoever, I am not in the mood for flash's shit right now.

'Oh right, sorry kid I forgot aha' he looks a little disappointed.

'Maybe after school?' I say

' sure kid sounds great' he says with a smile, ' now hurry up you have to get ready for school or you'll miss the bus'

I mutter an 'ok mr stark' and turn around and close my door. I lean against the back and decide to punish myself for lying to Mr Stark, he didn't deserve it, all he's done is be supportive of me as Spider-Man.

You're just a burden on him

You don't deserve to be alive

You don't deserve this opportunity

You don't deserve anything

I decide to satisfy the crave in my chest and go to my drawer with my blades.

I look at my arms and see they're not even close to being healed even though with my super healing... maybe it's because I'm malnourished... but I throw those thoughts aside since this is what I deserve.

Instead I roll my sleeve back after rewrapping my arms and move to my thighs.

I roll my track pants down and take my blade to my skin digging in deeper with every cut.

You don't deserve this chance

Another cut

Why are you still alive

One more

Burden

Another

Worthless

With my head screaming my innermost thoughts of self hatred, I keep it going until both thighs are red from the blood steadily flowing from the fresh cuts.

I jumped in my the shower and turned it to the point where it was just too hot and stood right under either the shower head, my head hanging just letting the water clean out my cuts and running down my face, mixing with tears I didn't even know were falling.

My cuts stinging like hell, but I knew I deserved the pain, I was just a burden on everyone and to myself.

I was starting to get a little worried as blood was still coming out after about two and a half minutes, eventually it slowed to the point the water was basically clear.

I decided to get out and wrap my legs, I put on a clean pair of black sweats and black hoodie.

I grab my back with my homework, sling it over my shoulder and run down stairs to catch the bus.

I put my earbuds in to avoid talking to anyone as I was putting all my energy and focus not to collapse from blood loss and pain.

I think I heard Steve say my name a couple of times as I went past him, but I wasn't sure, I just kept on walking till I reached the bus stop.

I got to the bus stop and started to play my favourite depressing playlist titled 'nothing works' just as chlorine by twenty one pilots started playing, I saw the bus turn onto the street my stop is on.

I could see flash smirking at me from my stop about 10 meters away, and I could tell he had plans for me this afternoon. Plans that could potentially raise Mr Starks suspicions that everything isn't ok.

I get on the bus and Ned puts his bag on his seat next to him and gives me a cold stare and looks away, ouch. I look at MJ and she does that same. Jeez, cold shoulder much? I deserve it though they deserve better than me. I look to find the only seat free was right in front of flash. god, what did I do to deserve this...?

It was a question I didn't need answered, but soon was by that goddamn voice again.

Maybe it's because you exist

being a useless piece of shit

Being a burden

Being useless

Not save him people like you should

Someone could be dying right now and Spider-Man could have saved them you useless piece of shit,

Just die

Die

Die

Die

Die

Die

Die

I sit down in front of flash and let my thoughts run wild exploring all methods and was to commit suicide, it never came to me I could do that, it seemed upon in achievable goal but maybe one day I will achieve it.

'Hey penis parker'

And with that I knew I should not have caught the bus today, it's gonna be a shit day. At least I'll have an excuse to cut more this afternoon.

And maybe even reach that goal of mine soon.