I don't even know who i am anymore

Chapter 3 - memories and blood

Peters POV.

Shit, that was close.

I turn around and into the room Mr Stark gave me and slide down the door until I'm on butt with my knees to my chest. I don't know how much longer I can keep this up for.

I'm trying to resist the urge but I just can't anymore.

I force myself to my feet slightly dizzy from the fact I haven't slept or eaten for 4 days. But I don't deserve those luxuries, someone who isn't faking their every smile deserves those.

And that isn't me

I open the door to my en-suite and close the door and lock it behind me. 

I linger a moment leaning in the door and draw a sharp breath I can feel my heart rate speeding up as it always does when I am about to cut.

⚠️This part contains self harm⚠️ please don't read if you feel uncomfortable with that, though it is a large part in the story so maybe don't read if that makes you uncomfortable but whatever make you happy boo 🥰❤️✨

I look into my my drawer with the blades from single-use razors I stole from down stairs general bathroom when I got here.

I roll up my sleeves to reveal my already scarred arms and start cutting. My left arm comes first. Every cut means something to me.

One for being a disappointment

One for being a burden

One for not being good enough

One for may

One for Nat

One for Ned

One for mj

I move up to my upper arms and continue, biting my lip every time as pain erupts wherever I put the blade. A pain I enjoy

One for flash

One for Thor

One for Steve

One for Bruce

One for Clint

I see my left arm is pretty full and move on to my right arm. My blood is starting to drip to the floor but I don't care. Once again I bite my lip.

One for Sam

One for Bucky

One for t'challa

( who i only met once but he clearly despised me)

One for not killing myself yet

One for vision

One for Wanda

One for Spider-Man

Again I move from my wrist to my upper arm my blood pumping out steadily

One for Ben

One for my mom

One for my dad

One for not being there for them

One for not being enough

I see no more room on my arms left so I grab my bandages and wrap both my arms after cleaning them with warm water. Wincing everytime water flushed through my open cuts.

I check the time and see it's around 6 am. I have to 'get up' for school soon so I decide to call it a night and rinse off the blade and put it back in my drawer. I suddenly felt guilt wash over me as I promised myself I would stop after last time.

My mind starts to wonder back a little until I find myself drowning in memories that slipped past my repressing walls.

~flash back to 2015~

(Still peters POV)

'Peter, you want some pizza I just boug- what the hell are you doing!?'

Oh shit, Ben caught me

No no no this wasn't supposed to happen.

'Peter, please look up at me, come on- I'm not angry, I just want you to be okay'

I look up to see Ben kneeling in front of me, a small amount of blood dripping from my freshly cut forearms.

'Hey peter, why don't we talk about this later and I'll go get us some ice cream okay?'

~end flashback~

We never ended up talking because Ben died that night. My secret died with him. I plan on it staying that way. No one will find out until I kill myself and hid my own body.

I look at the clock and realise it's 6:30. Shit, a little late for me... I'll just say I slept in.

I wake up ready to plaster a fake smile on my face and walk into the compound and greet everyone happily.

But not before I changed my bandages and put on a massive black hoodie and black track pants. No one can find out.

I walk out of my room, and take a deep breath and walk into the hallway, well I should say mr stark. Because he was directly out front of my door as I ran into him.

'You good kid...?'