I don't even know who i am anymore

Chapter 8 - relapse and release

How dare he treat me like that, i was merely trying to care for the little weasel and all i get is a fucking slap to the face?

I can tell when im not wanted and its right the fuck now.

"I need a drink"

I say under my breath, I've been sober for 8 months thanks to the kid and now I'm going to be an alcoholic once again thanks to the kid.

I dont even care what he does anymore he could fuck off and never come back for all i care.

Shit

Pepper threw out my drinks when i was in recovery

No big deal, I'll steal some of barnes' personal stash. Though stealing from a former russian assassin wasn't on my to do list tonight but hey, when in rome.

I sneak into the living room as I remembered Barnes having a secret bottle in the tv unit. Though apparently forgetting that the team was expecting to watch a movie with the kid

No problem, I'll make up an excuse and say I'm grabbing a dvd for the kid to watch in his room because he doesn't...feel well? Eh, hopefully no one will ask too many questions.

I walk up to the tv unit pretending to grab a dvd, i see the liquor bottle and slip it in my suit pocket, though it wasn't that big it would have to do. I grab out a random old dvd, star wars or some crap before someone behind me asks

"So stark, where's the kid, I thought we were gonna watch a movie?" a few join in with "yeah where is he?" i turn and say

"The kid isn't feeling well, migraine or some such nonsense, im putting him on a dvd and then going to bed myself, sorry guys." I'm a damn good liar when I want to be.

"Oh ok stark, well since we're all here we'll just watch a movie anyways, sleep well" if i had cared enough to look back I would probably have seen Barnes giving me a side glare and Steve pretending to care enough to say goodnight.

I walk into the hall and take my elevator to my room, opening the liquor bottle from my pocket. It turns out it's bigger than I thought and with a large enough percentage of alcohol I'll be feeling it for a while, just what I need. I take a long hard swig, flushing my 8 months of hard fucking work down the drain.

It's funny when you relapse, you remember why you started doing it in the first place. For instance, in my example I start remembering how much I hate myself and wish all the times I've been in a battle for the world something would have taken me out. a hero's ending if you will.

I walk past parkers room and pause, i dont know if having my first drink after 8 months was fucking with my senses but i swore i smelt smoke and other strange things from peters room, something metallic maybe?

Probably my body getting used to being an alcoholic again. Woo yeah i'm back baby and this time i'm going twice as hard. With pepper gone for 3 months on a vacation or around the world or something, I can get drunk everyday and since I programmed Friday I can make her tell no one and it can be mine and the bottles secret.

I also nearly completed a pill that simulated complete sobriety to the point alcohol was indistinguishable from your breath, but the alcohol was still there and attacking my body and organs even worse. Though pepper found the pill and work, which is how she caught me at my lowest point, but that wont happen again now shes fucked off to god knows where.

Is this unhealthy? yes

Will I probably harm myself and others? Yes

Do I care? No.

I take another long sip of the stolen liquor and stumble to my room, i shut the door and lock it. i somehow manage to get outthe words to tell friday to stop recording and cut off all security permits to pepper, though i'm not quite sure she caught all of it.

I look for my hidden drawer I just remembered and pepper has no idea of and pull out at least 6 bottles more of the hard stuff, though now I hate the taste it just lets me forget what I did to my kid and how I've treated him throughout.

I can be happy and not fake happy like the past 8 months, real happy. That drunk happy when you dont give a fuck who sees you doing what and you can just be.

Sometime within the night i hear a knock on my door and shout some slurred version of

"who is ittt" i think i hear something that sounds like

"its peeper, blur. Im citizen Kane and i want you to make me some pollen"

Well i was no mood for taking orders so i just reply with a simple

"Fuck off and leave alone me, i mean leave me alone Kane, im not taking your orders, no one orders mr stak around no sir no they dont"i think i hear him crying and running aaway sso celebrating my defeat i yell out

"That's it, run away like the bitch you are, you're nothing to me and you never will be,so why am i even bothering with your ugly ass" god i hated that movie however i think nothing of it and go back to drinking and listen to my music. Is it mine? It Might be peppers i sure as hell don't listen to crap like "lovejoy" who even is that? A Bunch of British losers i bet. All virgins too, they don't get pussy like i do, and i mean not just pussy i get everyone and i don't care who they are. What can i say im a bi icon, I think that's what Parker called this character what was it... nick? From a comic called heart surgery? 

Something like that.

Good kid Parker, he never disobeys, calls me Mr Stark like I'm old or something, I should go to bed. I'm tired, but i'll have a headache so i'll take a couple of panadol, how many are you supposed to take like... 4? That sounds about right and downing it with vodka is an even better idea.