Falling

Bonus 3 - Grudge; Part 5

Devices kelt beeping. Blinking in a pattern almost alluring, calling for calmness and slumber. Maybe it was so the patient would be at peace, and yet have to hold onto something as an anchor to reality.

The room wasn't the same as back then. Neither was the bed. What was peculiarly identical was the person lying on the bed and the person waiting by it.

On his already hurting knees, Dazai had Chuuya's hand pressed to his forehead, held by his cold ones. No word was uttered, breaths from his lungs making blankness of mind quiver.

There was no time nor space for his apologies. For beseeching cries and desperate sobs, superficial explanations and fake excuses.

Dazai was aware, and each moment of awareness put another nick on his sanity - he was responsible for this. No other beside him: not Atsushi, not Chuuya, not even that gang wanting to assassinate him.

Everyone was right - only he was wrong. For even making this world and playing with it. He thought he would be detached, not feeling anything toward anyone. Long ago he had been proven wrong and yet he clinged to belief like a drowning man to a piece of debris.

Until two days ago, when he almost lost it all.

Despite a somehow good ending to what could have ended gravely, Dazai knew all his sins and wrongs were his only. And yet, he couldn't help a simmering ire he would feel upon preconceiving a proper punishment for the weretiger.

Despite already having a picture of Chuuya before his sullen eyes, shocked but disdainful, condemning him for hurting Atsushi, Dazai knew the punishment must be carried on. It would be the same if it wasn't Atsushi and in the end, he won't be the one directly doing so.

But you would still be responsible. And...

A contorted smirk on his lips, expression not matching with eyes, Dazai finally mustered to look at Chuuya fully, refusing to notice a scar on his chin and exposed collarbone.

"And you would blame yourself again," he whispered sweetly, every word stabbing his chest.

"You will restlessly think how you shouldn't have brought your men, how you should have used your ability on Atsushi, how you should have been stronger... As you aren't already enough. Isn't it, Chuuya?"

Tightening Chuuya's hand, he let out a shuddering sigh.

"Doctors say you should wake up soon. Tiredness, shock - their frivolous words... Is it maybe more to it?" Dazai asked in thin air, casting his eyes down. "Have I mutilated your heart? Created a lonely hole only my old self can fill? Something that would have never happened if I was not the Boss?"

"There's nothing in this world that will fill that lonely hole in your heart..."

Chuckling, Dazai rested his head on the mattress, biting his lower lip so it would not tremble.

"Have I... done too much?"

Such a stupid question, of course you did!

Feeling blood on his lip, he sank his teeth even harder.

"Have I... hurt-" he uttered, shutting his eyes forcefully.

A lump in his throat dangerously squeezed his throat, threatening with a sob if he dared to say another word. Biting his tongue, Dazai buried his face into the mattress, shoulders shaking.

I am awful. A monster. Better off as dead. Better to never uncloak my face to the world.

Through shuddering breathing he managed a brief smile.