Disarray [H.S.]

Chapter Twenty Eight

Pauses, then says
You're my best friend
And you knew what it was
He is in love

____________

June 29th.

A day that normally is one of my least favorite days of the year doesn't seem to haunt me this time around. I haven't spent the day with a fake smile plastered on my face, waiting for the sun to go down, indicating the day was finally at its end.

Today, I'm not wishing I didn't exist, I'm not wishing this day never happened.

I'm not begging the universe to be ironic enough to take me on the same day it gave me.

Today is my birthday. I'm finally eighteen.

I never thought I'd make it past sixteen, let alone make it to eighteen, but here I am, waking up this morning with a real smile on my face, and now excitedly getting ready for the day while I keep an eye on my phone as I wait for a text from my boyfriend.

Harry is on his way to pick me up and take me out.

He wanted to take me out for dinner, but I told him I had plans already.  Mine, Louis, and Dani's birthday tradition is to sit in our pajamas and eat a bunch of pizza and watch some stupid movies until we all pass out. So, he asked to take me out in the morning for smoothies instead, which of course I said yes to.

I had invited him to join in on our pizza party, but he declined, telling me he didn't want to impose on the tradition, and also that he didn't want to insert too much of himself into my friendship with Dani and Louis. He's glad I have them as friends, separate from him, and encouraged me to spend time with just them, especially since I had been spending so much time with Harry and our other friends lately.

Which, I guess he's right about that. I'm glad that we can be in a relationship that's healthy enough that we can spend time apart with our friends and not be entirely dependent on each other.

It feels really mature and secure.

And I'm glad that I'm at a point in my life where I can actually say that I'm in a healthy relationship and it be truthful.

I think spilling my heart out to Harry on that beach during senior week was like breaking down that final wall that I had built between us. It was as if he was finally seeing me, the real me, for who I was for the first time and it felt good. It felt good to be fully known by him.

After my meltdown, Harry and I stayed on the beach for a while longer, watched the sun shine its light into the sky, before eventually getting up and brushing the sand off our bodies the best we could.

We'd walked back to Harry's car and he had driven us back to the house. He offered to stop somewhere to get something to eat, but it was still so early in the morning at that point, and even though I'd been awake for a while, I knew that my body would reject whatever I put in it before 7am.

By the time we got back to the house, it was 6:30, and everyone was still asleep, so Harry and I just laid in bed, holding each other close, until we both eventually fell back asleep.

It felt like letting everything out on the beach really just lifted so much weight off my chest. It felt easier to exist, and the rest of the week ended up being really fun. I was able to let go of the past that was chaining me down, and I enjoyed myself so much.

The atmosphere of just being with friends, enjoying summer, making memories, is something I really needed.

I hadn't felt that good in a really long time, so it was really nice to experience that with Harry and all our friends.