Memories Tend To Be Dreams Themselves[LEVI X READER X ERWIN]

#35: Flashback

The makeshift hideout was very quiet.

After retrieving a traumatized Oluo and an unconscious Ymir, they'd taken a merchant from the first abduction and knocked him out to tie him up. With luck, they'd found an old dusty warehouse to use as a resting place for the night, but the ambiance was no less gruesome.

Each did their thing. Mikasa stood guard, Sasha looked over the injuries, Jean brought out the food rations. With a mutual understanding that everyone needed to cope silently for a while, they all put their hands to work and patched themselves up.

Levi was sitting on an empty wooden box with a flask of water, thinking. As much as he hated to admit it to himself, the events of the day had shaken him. Out of all things, fucking Kenny had to reappear after all these years, working with what he thought was their sole common enemy. The man who raised him aiding the military police didn't make any sense to him. The whole situation was fishy, and he had to uncover the truth.

He'd been scared out there. Scared to let down his comrades, scared to kill Kenny even though Kenny was trying to kill him, scared to lose his people to a bunch of ass-kissers with abnormally large guns. In the end, he'd been forced to kill not to be killed; and his subordinates had had to do the same. Hell, two of them had been taken away. The very same two he was supposed to protect for the betterment of humanity.

Ever since they'd left the area they'd battled in, [Y/N] had been really quiet. She had a very specific haunted look in her eyes, one that couldn't be any good. Luckily, she was still helping around, but it was obvious she wasn't there at all.

Levi sighed. He'd tried to give her some personal space, but now that everyone was gathering around to eat and that she wasn't moving from her spot leaning on the wall, he had no choice but to walk over and talk to her.

"[Y/N]," he called out quietly, trying to get her attention. "Come on, gotta eat."

The woman looked at him with little reaction to to his words. "I'm sorry, Levi. I should, but I really can't eat right now."

The captain sighed, putting a hand on his hip. "At least now you talk. Look, I know your first time killing human beings is rough, but you're gonna get through it. You saved us a lot of hassle with what you did today. Your hands are dirty now, but you moved us forward, just like you're supposed to do."

There was quite a long silence between the two. [Y/N] drew a shaky breath, slowly looking down to meet her captain's eyes.

"My hands were already dirty, Levi."

The man blinked, surprised at her statement. Respectfully, he didn't want to pry, but he still stayed by her side. She didn't look like she wanted to be left alone any longer.

"A few years ago, I did something truly terrible," she let out out in a pained whisper. "But I thought... I thought I was changing. I thought I would no longer be capable of killing. I realized tonight that I was wrong. I was wrong, and now I'm not sure what I'm doing anymore."

"Whatever you did," Levi carefully started, "I'm sure you weren't trying to kill just to kill. There was a reason for it, right?"

She looked away her breathing becoming ragged. "I guess, in some way, yes. I just didn't want it to happen. I didn't mean for it to happen. I didn't, I just-"

"Hey, calm down-!" he whispered to her, slightly alarmed. He'd never seen her like this, completely losing her composure over something from the past.

Over the last few days, he'd seen her state become more and more fragile. The stress of their situation was obviously piling up on her, he could tell by the eye bags and her decreasing amount of energy.