The Story of Me.

What Should I Do?

I don't know what to do anymore. I love the idea of just keep moving on, but that hasn't been working so far. I think I am open to ideas. I listen to my friends ideas but they are kinda not helping some days. It's kinda is confusing sometimes. Ryan, I know, is worrying about me. He always does. I know I should be a better girlfriend, but he says I'm perfect and I shouldn't change.

The reason I added the puzzle piece necklaces is because Ryan and I have them together. I bought them as a gift and he loves it. And we wear them each and every single day. Whenever I think or look down to see it, I think of him. I know that is sappy as shit, but I feel important when I'm with him. And he makes me feel like I matter to this world. I know I have said this before and I think it is maybe just a first love thing. Everyone has this phase in their life. But my mother said she didn't want me to date because after the first love, is the first heartbreak.

Ryan said he wouldn't break me, but look at all the promises that poeple made to me that they broke. Maybe I finally trust a person with everything. I don't trust my own family anymore. I used to more than anything. But after all the lies I wanted to trust someone who finally trusted me back. Ryan only lied to my once. I caught him and didn't talk to him for a week at least. And everyday he was saying sorry and other shit. I proved that I didn't need him in my life, I want him in it. And that was the first and last time he lied to me.

Okay, so I know I missed today in school. I really hate missing school for one reason, I don't get to leave my house. I hate my house and I'd much rather be there. But the thing is I hate thte people in the school. So it's a lose-lose. Maybe a win because I get to see Ryan and wear his hat. I get to see his smile and that is what is really worth it in the end. I get to see Shannon and we get to sing together. And Luis, we get to laugh at all the funny shit we do.

But I don't know what to do with my life. I feel unable to do the things I love and then I feel terrible. Ryan says I shouldn't do this to myself. But, if I don't bring myself down, who will? I have always had a person who wanted to bring me down and now that I am not talking to any people really, I have no one to do that. So I do it myself. But when my family decides to do it, I complain. I don't know why I do. I mean I deserve the words and the pain. I deserve all the things that people do. Ryan said I shouldn't feel like this. Because I am the most perfect person he knows. He must not know a lot of people then. I know that after high school I will become nothing in my own nothing world.

I know I shouldn't complain about things that I do though. I mean, come on Katie. I just feel like I am trapped in my own world waiting for someone to save me. But I know in reality that no one will and I have to save myself. But I refuse to save myself and I wonder why no one has tried even though people have. I do try to be happy once in a while. It just sucks that I am like this monster that he awoken.

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I am not going to be in the house I'm living now by next week. This is my last weekend here and the last couple of days here. We have to be out by Friday or else the police will move our stuff in the police department. But it could always be worse. Right? Maybe now I'll take some of that advice I wanted. I found this out awhile ago but my mother told me in person. I just don't really feel like doing something anymore. I feel like snuggling with Ryan telling me it's okay. I feel like sobbing uncontrollably. But I have made myself a promise. And I don't ever break my promises. Ever. I always try to keep them.

I don't know how to just end this chapter so I'll leave this one on a short note.