tears of rain (sam kiszka)

can you feel my love?

"No- Astrid- I didn't mean it like that,"

Stunned, I grabbed my coat from the chair next to me and stood up. I swung it around, and bundled up. "I'm leaving," I announced. The alcohol made me dizzy, and feel really sick. I threw my canvas bag over my shoulder and headed to the front door. Sam's chair skidded over their wood flooring. "Astrid, c'mon," he pleaded. l turned around and looked at him, hand on the doorknob. "For what it's worth, I always pictured myself ending up with you," I held tears back as best I could but I couldn't help but let some escape. "I'm sorry I wasn't the girl you needed," Sam's face was pale. He glanced down at his shoes and buried his hands in his jean pockets. "Or I guess wanted," I laughed, tears rolling down my cheeks.

I looked at him once more, and swung open the front door. I felt a hand on my shoulder. "Please wait," he pleaded for some sort of buffer before I left. I grabbed his hand and attempted to throw it off my shoulder, but he grabbed my hand and pulled me inside. He brought me close to him and looked at me. His hand slithered under my hair, and he gripped my neck, pulling me to his face. I was quiet for a moment and looked into his eyes. His lips landed on mine softly. It felt so right to be kissing him. I always wondered what it would be like to kiss him, or have sex with him, even. I always envisioned he would be very loving, and gentle. And he was.

I quickly pushed him off. I felt the heat in my chest, and the tears burning my eyes. "Stop making it harder than it has to be," I begged, tears now uncontrollably flooding my eyelids. I sobbed on his doorstep as he planned his next maneuver. Acting like him kissing me didn't give me butterflies, or make me nervous would be understating the situation. I love Sam. I just couldn't let him hurt me again.  

He frantically pulled me into the house. "Astrid please let's just talk," he pressed. I felt my legs collapse under me. I was a pure, emotional, wreck. I caught myself with my hand, and sat in the doorway, crying hysterically. "I can't," I repeated. It seemed like the unknowingness from the past years about why Sam left me all came flooding back. I felt like a mistake. It felt like he was doing some sort of charity work.

I brought my knees to my chest and my palms to my eyes. Sam was quiet for a few minutes, then there was creaking on the stairs behind us. "What's wrong?" a voice murmured low, and slow.

I cried into my jacket, and felt hands on my shoulders. "You're going to freeze to death, are you crazy?"

It was Josh. I glanced over and saw the silhouette of his curls under the porch light. "Get inside," he was unamused with Sam and I. It was embarrassing. Josh grabbed my arm and pulling me up, making sure I didn't slip on the ice on the porch. Unfortunately, I did slip. He was shirtless with plaid pajama pants on. The cold burn of the chilly weather made goosebumps rise on his olive skin. Sam stood behind him, pleading with his eyes that I would stay.

Josh stabilized me and put my hands on his warm shoulders.

"I was just leaving, I'm sorry," I blubbered. I stood in front of Josh, sniffling, trying to keep calm. He examined me, putting his hands on my hips, bringing me inside the house, shutting and locking the front door behind us. "You're drunk. You're not going anywhere, Astrid" he decided. "Get your asses upstairs and go to bed," he said. "Sammy, get her some water," he suggested. Josh trudged up the stairs, and once he disappeared we heard another door shut.

Josh's voice of reason made me feel like I was overreacting, and I probably was. I felt like a drunk idiot. We were quiet for awhile until Sam ran his fingers through his hair. "Astrid look- I really really care about you. An-And I'll do anything to mend our relationship,"

"Relationship," I muttered.

Sam looked at the ground, and I just stared at him. "I'm- I'm sorry," I said weakly, and quietly. "I-I just," I took a deep breath. "I'm just afraid," I said. Our eyes met, and I slowly slithered my limbs around him. I buried my face into his shirt, and he squeezed me tight. "I'm afraid too," he whispered back. I could feel his heart beating quickly under my ear. He hugged me for what seemed like forever. I felt nauseous from how drunk I was, and started swaying.