The Diary of Ann-Marie [L.T]

Pt. 1 Forget: Three

Diary Entry #3
11•29•13

It's been well over a month now and have I moved on from Louis? No. I guess I'm not surprised. I don't think you can love someone then just stop immediately. But I could at least could be starting to move one, but I haven't. I knew it wasn't going to be easy, but I didn't think it would be this hard.

I wish that he wasn't so important in life. Why couldn't he just be this guy I always passed by in school? But I ended up meeting him and now, he's not a random guy from school. He's cool and funny. He's my dream guy. And will always remain a dream.

After two years, I would've thought that he'd be my friend again, but he hasn't even said hi to me. How can you have someone so close to you become a stranger so quickly? It's like that whole relationship never even existed. How does this even happen to someone? It's confusing as hell and hurts so much.

I've become nothing but a stranger to him. Shouldn't that mean that he's a stranger to me, too? No, not even close.

If he was a stranger to me, then I wouldn't know anything about, but I do. I know he loves his family so much by how much and they way he talks about them. I know he tries so hard in football because that's the career he wants to pursue. I know he at times feels lonely because he thinks he can't tell who his true friends really are since he's so popular. I know his birthday is on December 24th and that he secretly thinks his birthday is extra special than anyone else in his family because it's on Christmas Eve. I know that when he smiles and laughs, his eyes crinkle; I only have to hear his laugh to know this. I know that when he's happy, he will never stop smiling. I know that when he's upset or has a lot on his mind, he has a serious look on his face and spaces out a lot. I can go on and on about the many things I know about him. But in his eyes, I'm nothing but a stranger.

Since I'm nothing to him, I should move on and make him nothing to me. It isn't as easy as it sounds, though.

But I'm trying. I'm trying so damn hard to move on and forgot him. So far, I'm failing, but I'll get there soon. It's just so difficult for me because I know that deep down inside I still care for him and I don't want to lose him.

I love him. Then again, what is love? Is it what I'm feeling right now? I wish I knew. I say that I love him because that's the only way I can express how I feel. If I say like him, I know it's not true because my feelings for him are too strong to just say that I like him.

It hurts so much when I see him with Lexi because I know she doesn't feel the same way about him like I do. She doesn't love him. She didn't spend the past year wishing he felt the same way about her. Crying over the fact he had a girlfriend he loved dearly. Hoping he will say he likes her and ask her out instead. Wanting him to be her first boyfriend. Caring for him with all her heart. Worrying about him when he got hurt. Wishing...she was what he wanted.

I hate that I'm not what he wants nor will I ever be. What I hate most though is that it was so easy for me to start loving someone, but it's taking me a lifetime to move on from him. Why can't it be easy to move on, too?

Maybe it can if I just let it. Maybe I'm what's holding myself back. It's just I'm so confused! I'm in a state of mixed emotions right now. Part of myself doesn't like that I care for him so much and the other part doesn't want to stop caring about him.

What I really want is to just forget him and let go. But I don't think I can do that.

The reason: Desperation, desire, admiration,...love?

Is it love?

Is it true that I love Louis Tomlinson?