The Diary of Ann-Marie [L.T]

Pt. 1 Forget: Two

Diary Entry #2
11•22•17

Something that always crosses my mind when I think of Louis is, why don't I move on from him? I mean, it's obvious he doesn't like me. I'd do anything to let him go. But I don't think I can. I'm stuck.

But I think that when you love someone so much, you're able to let them go eventually. Of course, you would want to keep them instead of letting them go because who wouldn't want to keep that person you love? But you end up hurting yourself because of a selfish mentality. Keeping whatever makes you happy even though it's hurting you doesn't do any good. It just makes everything worse. So, in conclusion, I'm selfish. I'm selfish because the happiness Louis brings me overpowers the pain. It keeps me from giving up. I wish it didn't.

This is probably the worst example, but it's kind of like when you have some kind of toy, piece of jewelry, or anything with sentimental value that gets lost. It's like the end of the world. Worry begins to creep in and, after awhile, maybe you even start crying. But then, you either find it later or you just forget about it. That's sort of how it would be if you lost or let go of your love. But the sad truth when it comes to love is sometimes you'll never get them back again; you might never forget about them.

I'm not sure if I'm capable of dealing with that right now. Louis is just too special person to me. He makes me so happy when no one or nothing else can. What's sad is he means so much to me, and he doesn't even know it. But letting him go is something I'm not ready for. I think it's because I'm afraid that I'll lose my only true happiness. But I have to, don't I? I can't keep living this way anymore. I can't keep waiting for the day that Louis realizes that I'm the one for him. I've been waiting for so long, and now, I'm tired of waiting. He loves Lexi, not me. Even though, it hurts to admit it, but it's true.

And I can't keep depending on him for my happiness. It's terribly unhealthy being this way. I can be happy without him. I need to make it clear to myself that a boy who doesn't even give me the time of day isn't worth loving.

Still, though. Sometimes I wish he knew how much I love him. Then maybe he'll change his mind. But I know he wouldn't care. I'm simply nothing to him. And I always will be.

But now that I think about, do I actually love Louis? Maybe I just miss him. Is there a difference between loving someone and missing someone?

Probably.

I think to love somebody, you care for them, trust them, do everything you can to make them happy. You have feelings towards them that you can't even explain and have connection that brings you closer to them.

But to miss someone, you still care for them, but it isn't the same as when you loved them. You trust them with whatever they're doing. You want them to be happy wherever they are. But, you still miss the happiness in your life when you were with this person. You want to relive those memories. But you're okay with a life without them in it. The lingering feelings are still there, but the overall love is gone. You still feel something toward them, but it will never compare to how you felt before. You simply just miss the thought of when there were there for you.

That's exactly what's happening to me right now. I think I miss him to much to move on. Even though he's so close to me, I feel like he's farther from me than ever. I just want to move past that.

New feelings.
New thoughts.
New people.

I want a life that doesn't involve him. Why did I have to meet him anyway? My life would be better and easier if he was just solely a classmate to me.

If I didn't, though, I wouldn't have met and love the most amazing guy in the whole world.

Even though I'm in pain because of him, I wouldn't want to change a thing.

A/N Sorry if the chapters are pretty short. Since she's wrting in her diary, I don't think she would write super long entries. Especially since she's just starting out. This story is kind of short, in the sense that the chapters are short. But, hopefully it's still good despite it not being long.

So yeah! I hope you like it so far! Thank you so much for reading.
~Jovana