The Diary of Ann-Marie [L.T]

Pt. 2 Accept: Twelve

Diary Entry #12
1•28•15

Have you ever been in love with someone and have that love be completely shattered? By something so simple and so stupid?

Having a feeling of betrayal hurts so much. How do I know? I know because I've felt it. It is one of the worst feelings anyone could go through. You think since you love them, they're a good person and they wouldn't do anything to hurt you. But that's not true.

When I first met him, he was this amazing, funny, kind-hearted guy. That's what made me fall for him. I was completely in love with his personality. But as time went by, he changed.

Of course, at some point in our lives, we change. Either in a wonderful way or in a bad way.

When that happened, I never once thought that he changed in a bad way. I just saw as more outgoing, more attention seeking. But I knew that somewhere deep down inside him, he was still the same guy. The same guy I fell in love with.

So it finally got to the day when I talked to him again. We were in class and we were doing partner work. And in that one moment we spoke to each other, all the love I had for him was slowly escaping from me. He never asked me how I was doing. Or how my life was going. He acted like he was never my friend. I, then, realized that he isn't the same anymore. He has been consumed by the popularity he had. He's the type of person that cares more about the attention than being himself. I thought you were supposed to be and express who you are? But society and media made it seem that "fitting in" is more important than being yourself. Some people think they need to be noticed. That they need to have all the attention and not be alone. Because to them being alone is their biggest fear. It was so idiotic of me to think that he wasn't like that. When, in reality, he was.

The feeling of betrayal first leaves you angry, but in the end, it leaves you broken. Mostly because the one person you thought wouldn't hurt you, did anyway. And what hurts most is that he'll never know I was hurting because of something he did. I can't believe that I was so stupid for falling for someone like that. I left my guard down. I was blindsided by my own love for him that I didn't realize that he is just like any other douchebag in my school. And so what was the outcome? Betrayal and broken.

I was in pain. And angry, but not at him. But at myself. I kept saying that he was still the amazing and wonderful guy I've known from the first day I met him even though everyone else was saying he was an obnoxious and immature guy. I should've known that I was lying to myself and for so long. How could I have been so stupid? Why did he have to change? He should've realized that there was someone out there who loved his real self.

I could care less about his popularity or anything in that matter. I only care about the content of his character, which was filled with so much kindness and beauty. I loved him for who he was, but he ruined that. I want him to be himself again.

I want him to be the guy I fell in love with again.

I am writing more today because I just thought of something that changes everything. First, am I really in the right place to blame him? I could've just told him how I felt. Before he started dating Lexi, before he started caring so much about his reputation, before he turned into this. I really could have stopped all of this. But I, also, could have made it worse. He might've stopped being my friend right then and there. He would never look at me the same again. I don't know what's more painful, that situation or the one I'm in now.

Second, I think when I say I want him to be the guy I fell in love, who is that exactly? If I remember correctly, we only hung out for like over a month and I got to know him a bit. Do I know everything about him? No, because I wasn't super close to him. So who knows maybe, the way he acted today might be his actual self. I don't want to believe that because the way he acted the first day I actually talked to him, he wasn't an asshole. He was so laid back and chill that him being an asshole was not even a possibility. I think that was the love talking, though. My love was so strong that I think I might have made him seem like this God when, in reality, he was far from it. I was aware of his flaws, but I didn't notice the big flaw that basically changes everything. He's mean, rude, cares so much about what his friends think of him that he does things that are so bad. And I overlooked that. Why? Why would anyone do that? Sadly, I was so in love with a misconception that I didn't realize who he really was.

So, all in all, I'm not in love with him. I was never really in love with him. I was in love with the fact that somebody actually wanted to talk to me as a friend. That somebody actually liked my presence. Over time, I guess, I confused that feeling into love. I can't deny the fact that he is a beautiful person. But, now that I truly see him. Now that I really really see him. I finally come to terms with who he is and how I feel.

No, I was never in love with Louis Tomlinson. I just fabricated him into a person that I wanted him to be and that's what made me believe that I loved him.

So the whole moral of my story and the sad truth about it is,

unrequited love is heartbreaking.

But, in the end, it can either leave a scar on your heart or you can realize the flaw for loving this person or realize you didn't really love them at all. There are countless possibilities of where the end of this heartbreak might take you. However, knowing that you're at the end of this journey means that another one is coming. A better one.

I am starting my new one today. One that I'll finally learn to accept the love for someone incredibly special.

Myself.

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A/N I am so sorry that I took more than a year to update this story, but finally, I did. And it's completed, wow! I honestly wasn't planning on ending this here. I was going to have a couple more chapters, but I didn't feel like writing them. It wasn't going the way I wanted so that's why I went on the hiatus( I actually came back unlike some people sooo). But, I sat down ready to write and as I was writing, I knew that this is how I wanted to end it. Originally, I planned to have her still in love with Louis, but move on with her life. That didn't seem right, though. So I came up with this idea that she didn't really love him because it is really hard to accept that. It shows how strong she is.

Also, with the pt. 2 accept title, I was going more towards she is starting to accept the love she has for Louis, at first. But, her accepting the love for herself is much better.