The Diary of Ann-Marie [L.T]

Pt. 1 Forget: Nine

Diary Entry #9
5•9•14

You know, I always wonder why I try so hard to impress Louis. I guess I've always thought that if I tried hard enough, I will finally make him acknowledge me at least, but it never works. He always dates girls who better and prettier than me.

I read something today and it really relates to my situation. This is what it said:

"You want cold water. I fan the cup a million times, then someone else walks by with ice. You want something from a person. Maybe you have expectations. I work with blood, sweat, and tears to reach your expectations. And then suddenly somebody else just came by and has that thing you've been looking for. So you go with them instead."

I work so hard to look good and be pretty enough for Louis, but it never works! He always goes for the girls who have the natural beauty that I lack.

That's one of the reasons why I try so hard not to care that much anymore. And to be truly honest, it's working. I really don't mind anymore. I don't mind who he dates or what he does. I don't really care about him anymore.

But I can't really say that because a part of me still does care. I want to get rid of it so badly, but it doesn't go away. I don't think I'm capable of getting rid of it and I hate that.

It's kinda weird that in the beginning, I tried my hardest to get him to notice me and be good enough for him and now, I don't want anything to do with him.

But I guess I'm glad that I'm almost over him. It's not something I would be really proud. I'm proud because now I don't have to deal with so much pain anymore. Why I'm not proud is because I wish I didn't have to get over him. I wish he felt the same way, but that's never going to happen. So I kinda have to get over him.

And I guess I could say that it's kind of nice that my world isn't always revolved around him. I think I just had a weird mindset back then. Heck, I thought if I loved him enough and tried my best to be what he wanted, he'll feel the same way back. I should've known that it doesn't work like that. Because after all my efforts, he still doesn't love me the way I love him.

I just hope one day he'll realize the feelings I have for him. He might never feel the same way, but I hope he realizes that I wasn't weird or obsessed,(ok maybe I was a little) I was just in love.

But what I really wish for is he falls in love with someone who truly cares and loves him. I hope he finds that someone who he can't live without. And I hope he never has to know what it's like to try and live without them.

But all in all, I'm happy. I'm happy that he's not the only thing on my mind anymore. I don't focus so much on him anymore. He's not my everything anymore. That makes me glad.

Also, I'm glad that now that I'm moving on, I'm not upset about it. I'm really happy. I have friends and that's something I thought would never happen. They make me laugh and smile. I actually look forward going to school and its because of them. So I'm really thankful for them.

I'm really glad that I actually moved on. I'm relieved that I don't have to go through anymore pain.

I can finally say it.

I moved on from Louis.

I was drowning. I was being kept from reaching the surface. But I can reach the surface now. I can live again.

Finally, I'm free.