The Diary of Ann-Marie [L.T]

Pt. 1 Forget: Six

Diary Entry #6
1•21•14

It's been two weeks. I thought I moved on, but I was wrong. Maybe I really didn't move on from Louis. Maybe it was just realization. The realization that he doesn't love me back.

That's probably the reason why I'm not happy. I just realized that Louis doesn't love me and that made me sad. I was so sad that it got to the point that I didn't feel anything towards Louis, I was just numb. I couldn't feel anything.

So I just assumed that I moved on. I didn't feel anything towards him. But now I realize that I was feeling something towards Louis.

It was this sadness I had deep down inside me and it kept growing day by day. I was trying ignoring it, not paying so much attention to it because I thought it didn't matter.

Now, every single time I think about him, I just want to cry and break anything I can find because I just can't take it anymore! I love him so much! But I don't want to love him anymore. He's ruining me and he doesn't even know it.

He doesn't know.

Maybe I should just tell him. I'm only suffering because I choose to when I can just tell him how I feel. Even if he doesn't feel the same way back, it might just help me to move on. That's really what I need right now.

I want to be happy and do something with my life! But I haven't been doing anything because of him. Heck, I'm almost a senior and I have no clue what I want to do after I graduate! The reason is because 99 percent of the time, my mind is set on Louis and that one percent are insecurity issues that I worry about. I can never really focus on anything. I just think after he's not apart of my life anymore, then everything will be fine and maybe my insecurity will go away and maybe I'll be free. Free from the pain that Louis, no scratch that, I have been causing myself.

I've been waiting for the day when he says he loves me back. Now, I'm done. I don't want to wait anymore. I don't wantto keep waiting for the person I love to love me back when I know it isn't going to happen. I hate that my life revolves around him. I want to be happy without him. But that's the thing, he made me happy, he made me smile. He still does. He still makes me happy. He still makes me smile. But can I be happy without him? Can I have happiness in my life without him in it?

I'm trying.

I don't want him to be in my life anymore. But he is. I don't want to love him anymore. But I do. No matter how I hard try, I can't stop loving him. I can say I don't love him a million times, but I won't ever mean it. I still care about him and I can't let him go. Why? Why can't I let him go? Maybe because he's my only happiness and if I let him go, I'll be left alone in my own puddle of sorrow.

Now, I'm questioning my feelings for him. Is this really love? Am I supposed be this sad and angry? I don't know.

So I read something today that defines exactly what I'm going through. This is what it said:

"Unrequited Love,

It's the feeling of being completely, hopelessly, desperately in love with someone, all the while knowing that your feelings will never reach them."

My thoughts when I read it were, that's the love I feel. I'm in love with someone who doesn't love me back and what I can't seem to figure out is why do keep letting it go on like this? Is it hope? Hope that he might realize he loves me back? Yes, I think that's what is.

This might sound stupid, but another way to explain what I'm going through is:

I'm drowning. I'm waiting for Louis to just jump in, grab my hand, and pull me up. In most cases for other people, that does happen. They get saved. But I'm not like other people, I don't get saved. I'm stuck waiting. I'm trying my best to survive. But then I realize, why am I not dying? Why can't I reach the surface? It's like something is pushing me down so I can't. What is it? What is holding me back from getting away from this torture I am going through. That would be my hope. If I reach the surface, that means I give up on the fact that Louis is going to save me. Of course, a part of me can't do that. There is no part in my entire being that has the ability to do that! And so, I'm spending all my time waiting. Waiting until that hope lets me go.

I can't live my life.

When will I live again?