The Diary of Ann-Marie [L.T]

Pt. 1 Forget: Four

Diary Entry #4
12•1•13

Is it true that I love Louis Tomlinson?

Well I gave it a lot of thought. An entire day to be a little more specific. I barely ate anything, I couldn't focus at all, and it was such a struggle to go to sleep, no joke. I must've spent more than an hour trying to go to sleep. This is what happens when you develop feelings for Louis Tomlinson. The Tomlinson Effect, is what I like to call it. (I'm trying to lighten up the mood because the past entries are pretty deep and I don't consider myself as a deep person so. Oh wow, I even ramble when I write! Ann-Marie stop that! And I'm writing in pen! Nice going, Ann.)

Anyways, after a lot of thinking, after a lot of stress.

I figured it out.

Yes, I love him.

More than anyone could imagine.

He's the only reason why I'm somewhat okay with going to school because I get to see him. He's the reason why I smile. He's the only reason why I'm happy. Simple as that.

The only true happiness I feel is when I look at him. My emotions run completely wild. On the outside I look calm, but on the inside I want to do backflips around the whole school! When I look at him, I feel happy, excited, relaxed, warm, peace,...love.

Love is what I feel when I see him. Love is what I feel when I see him laughing and smiling. Love is what I feel towards him.

I know it's love because it's just...unknown to me. It's a feeling I can't quite comprehend, let alone explain it. I don't even understand what I feel. I just have this feeling, this deep feeling inside me, telling me that what I'm feeling is love.

Being in love is such a pain. I assure myself that I've never been in love before and so feeling this now is a struggle. No one has ever made me feel this way about them. That's until he came along. He's this guy that came into my life and just completely drew me in. My heart skips a beat when he walks by. My stomach flips when he looks at me. I have butterflies when he talks to me. Pretty much all the clichés happen to me all at once and, if I'm being honest, I don't mind.

But there's something missing. His love for me. His love for me was never real and it never will be. I hate that I love him to pieces and he doesn't care about me one bit.

What I really hate most though, what I truly, seriously hate, is I'm in love with someone that I don't really know much about. How is that possible? I know the basics about him, but I don't know him. I don't know Louis Tomlinson. I just love what I believe about him and it doesn't make any sense to me. I know him, but then again I don't know anything about him. It's just so confusing and I can't figure it out. It's not something I'm proud of, but I can't stop. I can't stop loving him. I won't.

We were beginning to be so close. He could've been mine. I could've been his. But it never happened. I lost the one thing that was really important to me. I lost him. I lost my only happiness, the only way I could smile, the only good thing in my life, the best thing that ever happened to me. I lost my love.

Everything I could possibly hope for, has vanished. My happy feelings. My wonderful thoughts. My smiles. Him.

Nothing will make me happier than to just be in his arms. But that will never happen.

I want to stop loving him.

But am I really capable of doing that?