Tevun-Krus #107 - A Very Merry PiratePunk Christmas, Matey!

Gnome Raiders - A Story by @wdhenning

Gnome Raiders

by wdhenning 

[Raider Ship 'Cursed Rift']

"Aargh! Shiver me timbers, Cap'n. There she be, ripe for the pickin'."

Captain Wiley Jinx narrowed his eyes and growled. "What the hell did you say, Jenkins?" For the umteenth time, he regretted busting Jenkins out of the Ceti Space Station detox center. The local mushrooms can seriously mess up a man's head. But in his line of business, finding a good pilot was not easy.

"We're pirates, ain't we, Cap'n?" The Pilot swung around from his control station with glazed eyes and a smug smile. Multiple spills of who knows what blurred the icons on the transparent control panel. "After this score, the Rift will be the most famous raider in the galaxy. Aargh!"

The Captain bared his teeth, spitting words. "One more pirate word and I'll have your arse keel hauled, and you won't be wearing a space suit. Understood?" Jenkins gulped and nodded. "And take off that stupid pirate hat."

It would be a big score. By a stroke a luck, Wiley met a disgruntled Trade Federation Logistics Manager at a rundown port tavern. All it took was a few drinks to get him to divulge the flight plans of a 'priceless, one-of-a-kind haul', as he put it.

Vina Skye frowned from the engineering panel, pushing back her long blonde hair. "Are you sure that old rust-bucked freighter is our mark? It looks more like a garbage scow, hardly worth our trouble."

As usual, she had squeezed her buxom figure into a partially unzipped flight suit, looking like she could take the main stage at a seedy spaceport strip-club. But woe to anyone who came on to her. Wiley knew from painful experience about the knife stashed in her left boot. He might have tossed her off the ship, but business was business, and good engineers were also hard to find.

The Captain grinned. "That's what they want us to think. But we out smarted 'em. Just come up from behind and dock at the aft port. Tell the boys to get ready for boarding. It's a drone ship, so we shouldn't have any resistance. We'll 'jack it and be gone before anyone knows. Easiest heist ever."

"I'm going to bring the cannons online, anyway." She turned narrowed eyes back to the captain. "Just in case..."

The heist went easier than even the Captain predicted. "Like taking candy from a baby," heremarked. Once the captured ship was safely secured in their secret hideout within a mined out asteroid, the twelve motley crewmen of the raider ship Cursed Rift gathered within the cargo hold.

"Aargh, there be our booty!" Jenkins growled, earning several eye rolls.

A forest of gray, cubical crates, measuring two meters on each side, stood in tight orderly rowslike soldiers. The captain posed with a wide grin, one booted foot hoisted onto a crate's structuralrib. "Open 'er up and let's see what we got."

After two men broke the seal and unlatched the lid, the Captain peered within. His grin faded. "What the hell?"

*****

[Trade Federation Executive Ship 'Venture Star']

Logistics Manager Vince Grande took a moment to peer out the window, gazing into the starry abyss. Life was good, really good. A knock at the open office door pulled him from his trance.

"I heard pirates got one of our freighters, the Pontiac Legacy, I think it was?" a woman said. Shewore the same crisp blue and red Federation uniform that he did.

"No great loss, Mia." He shrugged. "The ship was going to be scrapped, anyway."

"What about the cargo?"

"Come take a look," Vince replied, motioning to the desk mounted display screen. A hint of a grin rose on his face. "I was just filling out the insurance claim forms."

A flick of her hand sent the colored figures overhead, such that they appeared suspended in mid-air. A finger motion scrolled the display. "Let's see... Twenty crates of 'temporal measurement instrumentation'?"

"Yes. The decorative hourglasses nobody wanted."

Mia's forehead furled as she scrolled further. "And twelve crates of 'aquaculture stock'?"

"The goldfish."

"And this, eighty-seven crates of horticultural supplies?"

Vince could no longer contain the wide grin that erupted on his face. "Remember those garden gnomes we could never get rid of?"

A grin of realization grew on her face until it matched his. "You sly dog! You got rid of our unwanted inventory and the insurance company is going to pay for it. But how did you know the pirates would take it?"

Vince poured an expensive amber liquor into two crystal glasses, handing one to Mia. "I dropped obvious hints to a known pirate at some seedy tavern. Told him the cargo was 'priceless', although what I meant was worthless. Even got a few free drinks out of it."

He nearly spilled the drink in his hand as the ship lurched, then shuddered at regular intervals, as if being pelted with rocks. A female voice came from the com pad. "Sir, we are under attack from an unknown ship. At least I think... I'm not sure..."

Vince drew down his eyebrows. "Are we under attack or not, Commander?"

"They are using kinetic loads, but it's just..."

"Well?"

"Sir, they are firing garden gnomes at us."