Before and After Him

Ages: 15-17

Summer passes.
Like every year, we try to make the most of it.
For Connor's birthday I got him a collection of DC comics I found on eBay.
I thought it was a steal but apparently he's read all of them and owns three of them already.
That didn't stop him from being gracious, he was very thankful.
It didn't help that he didn't get them on his birthday.
Like always, Connor went on a fishing trip with his dad.
When he came back, we continued our summer plans.

Speaking of father's, mine has fallen off the horse.
He's been gone since June.
Nothing happened, at least out of the ordinary.
My parents didn't get into a big fight.
My mother didn't kick him out.
My father didn't hurt me.
He just went to work and never came home.
I'm pretty sure there's another woman.
I'm pretty sure he moved in with her.
I'm pretty sure he's starting over with a new woman and he's parenting her two sons.
I'm pretty sure because I saw him at the bookstore I work at.
He wasn't alone.
He was letting two young boys pick out a book.
I was granted a moment to just watch him, he looked happy.
Anger, or even madness doesn't explain the magnitude of what I felt.
He's never taken me to a bookstore.
I wanted to yell at him but when he saw me I could tell that's what he expected me to do.
So I didn't.
I rang him up and tried not to cringe that he didn't know I worked here.
My own father didn't know where I worked, because if he did, he wouldn't of come here after being M.I.A for months.
Maybe, I didn't want to yell at him, maybe I just wanted acknowledgement.
He didn't tell me not to tell my mother, he didn't apologize; that wasn't a surprise.
He didn't say anything.
He was just a stranger.
Or at least he wanted me to treat him that way and I did.
I played the part perfectly and I think I knew
than, before he left that my father was done with me.

Connor didn't ask, nor did his parents but Ruby did.
I don't blame her, she's a kid, kids are curious but it hurt when she said, "where's your dad?"
It wasn't lost on me how Luke stopped reading the paper, how Shelly lowered the tv and how Connor scolded his sister but not too hard; since he really wanted to know.
I could of lied, it was my first instinct but I didn't, "gone."

After that, no one mentioned my father, it was off limits like how Emmett was and still is.

Summer sucked.
I can't help but feel guilty, I prayed for my father to leave and now that he had I would do anything to get him back.
Including take the abuse.
I don't get it, nothing about how I feel makes any sense.

My mother hasn't been the same.
She doesn't leave her room.
I know my father is still paying the bills because if he wasn't we would be homeless by now.

Grade ten starts and I don't care.
All too soon volleyball tryouts come, and it breaks me seeing Connor so sad.
That's nothing compared to when basketball tryouts come.
Connor can't play, he's not even supposed to do gym.
The kind of epilepsy he has is triggered by exercise.
I don't think Connor cares.
I think he would rather take the risk of having another seizure than not being able to play sports; especially basketball.

Zombie, feels too weak of a word.
I go to school.
I don't participate or learn; I just go.
I work, get tutored by Connor or both.
I sleep.
I don't eat.
I don't see my mother, the only way I know she's still alive is because of the wailing.
I don't understand.
I want to ask her, no demand her why she cares so much.
I never did tell her why father left.
She doesn't need to know about his second family that is most definitely accompanied by a mistress.

"Liv, I want to ask you something but you can't take it the wrong way."
I don't talk to anyone but Connor, Ruby and occasionally his parents.
I haven't spoken in school in almost fifty days.
The teachers have given up, so has everyone except Gia.
"When was the last time you went to the doctor?"
I can tell Gia is grinding her teeth, when I fail to answer she only grinds her teeth harder.
The truth is I haven't had a physical in two years.
I was supposed to have one a month ago but with my fathers absence my mother either didn't care or simply forgot about it; maybe both.
"Liv", Gia swallows.
I'm taken back with how visibly nervous she is.
I've never seen her act like this, "I'm only saying this because I care about you", she takes a deep breath and part of me thinks she's going to chicken out on whatever she's going to say.
She doesn't, "I think you're sick", Gia's obviously shocked that I don't snap back at her.
I'm too tired for that, "you're so skinny. Sickly skinny."
I know.
Does she think I don't know?
I can see every bone in my body and I'm always cold.
I haven't had my period in months.
Not to mention I don't even wear bras anymore, there's no point.
"Liv, I think you should see someone."
She looks at me, really looks at me and that's all it takes for me to leave.
I've had enough of his, "miss Keats! You can't just leave in the middle of class!"