Before and After Him

Ages: 42-55

You would think after all this time I wouldn't care.
That I had moved on, since it had been years and I had my own life far, far, away with a husband and daughter.
You would think wrong.

I had no intention of ever returning to Fargo ever again, least of all Winnipeg but forces out of my control made me come back.

It all started with a message, with words.
Doesn't everything start that way?

A phone call to be precise.
One phone call awaken everything that had been gone.
One phone call in one moment changed everything.

Four months ago
"Hi! Is this Liv Keats?"
The cheer in her voice is already making me mad.
No one has any right to be this happy before noon.

Yet I find myself answering, "yes. Who is this?"
"Oh! Yes! Silly me! My name is Rachel!"
I didn't know any Rachel's least of all anyone as happy has this women.
"Excuse my harshness but what the yell do you want, 'Rachel' on a random Wednesday morning?"
The chipper women is gone, replaced by a bitter sad woman.
I feel to blame until she says in a complete monotone voice, "I want to talk to you about your relationship with Daniel Cann."

Rachel is worse than persistent, she is intolerable.
She's called me eight times in the past week and has left six voicemails.
They are start the same, "hi, this is Rachel. I want you to know I'm here for you and I understand how you're "feeling", see; really she's doesn't because how can she know when I don't even know?
"Is there someplace we can meet up? I know you're living in France but I assume you're coming home for Christmas?" No. I haven't been back in years and I never want to be, I'm sure I'll come back when someone else I love dies, though. "I really want to talk to you. It's important. Liv, I think you're the key to everything."
What a bitch.
The voicemails only get more pathetic and attention seeking.
Can she- Rachel not take a hint? I guess not.

From making breakfast, to making Emily and Pierre's lunch and packing it- my mornings are busy.
I clean throughout the day-, actually I don't really do much of that but if there's clothes on the floor I'll pick them up.
Pretty much I'm mrs. Doubtfire without Robin Williams pazzaz.

I do laundry and watch shitty French daytime television that I can't understand because I still don't speak French.

To say I'm content with my life would be a lie.
Yet at 3:30pm I stand at the bus stop and when Emily comes running to me everything is perfect.
I love that child more than I should.
The plan was to not get attached, but Emily wouldn't have it.
I make her a snack everyday and she draws or helps out in little ways while I make dinner.
Pierre walks through the door with a smile and always says, "it smells great in here", which is a lie because I still can't cook for shit but it's nice to hear it.
Emily runs to her daddy and he gives me a kiss on the cheek with a too big Emily in his arms.
Only than, do I feel content.
Only than am I whole.

Today was like every other.
Miserable until I saw Emily's smiling face.
Making dinner while she tells me dinosaur facts.
Than the phone rang, I wanted to ignore it.
I'm more than sick of Rachel ridding up my ass but I answered it so Emmy wouldn't tell her daddy I'm dodging calls at least that's what I tell myself and I didn't answer it because it has an American number.
I don't say hello, why would I?
I wait only a few second and even before they speak I know who it is by the intake of breath.
"Liv?" My heart breaks.

I move to the bedroom and lock the door behind me, knowing that Emmy will me outside listening with her ear against the door.
"Liv?" The voice that has haunted my mind and terrorized my dreams says with less certainty.
"Yes, it's me."
Alex sounds different, his voice is a little more drawn back almost hesitant.
It's uncanny from how I remember him being this upfront confident man.
That confidence still lingers but it's buried, under doubt and the weight life gives us.
Or maybe I'm reading too much into nothing.