Before and After Him

Dear Emily

Dear my sweetest Emily,

My first love wasn't Connor, it was Emmett.
The love a younger child feels for their older sibling is something indescribable.
The feeling of being protected, nurtured, challenged, annoyed and above all else loved.
All combined creates a combination that only those with siblings can truly understand.
It saddens me- or used to at least that you never got to know that kind of love.
Another part of me was grateful for it because you would never experience the pain of losing it.
Thus, experiencing their own pain as yours.
Loving someone means you would do anything for them, wish their pain and suffering on yourself and do anything and everything to see them happy.
Dr. Cann took a lot from me and Evan but he took even more from Emmett.
I don't remember the first time Emmett was molested by dr. Cann.
I just remember wishing it were me instead.
Watching, hearing and knowing your sick brother was raped was too much for a ten year old to know.
That knowledge is too grave for any person to know, let alone a child's mind.
I have no sympathy for Daniel Cann. He knew what he was doing; preying on the most vulnerable people, children.
He didn't just molest and rape many children, he destroyed every person he touched.
The list is long, but the names that stand out are: Evan, Rebecca, my mother, me and Emmet.

Connor was special.
Not because of what he had, or what he accomplished or even who he was in his short, way, too short life.
He was special because of what he did with what he had.
He was given a pretty shitty hand and played it well.
Something I never leaned to do.
As much as I thought we are born into our life and can't change it that is simply untrue.
Not to say life is fair because it isn't, if anything that should be the takeaway from this letter.
But I have enough self-awareness to know that I could of done something.
I could of turned my shitty numbered cards into face ones of value.
Pain and suffering no doubt would of been required but maybe a little pain would of saved me from at least some of the heartbreak.
Connor was there, he was always there in that dream.
He wasn't that special, there was nothing remarkable about him.
Truth be told if he grew up he would of been one of those guys who worked a desk job, came home to a family of wild kids and a doting wife who had prepared an amazing home cooked meal.
He would of gone to church every Sunday and built a new white picket fence for his elderly neighbour.
He would of volunteered, given back to the community in every way he could.
He would of grown old and sat with his wife in the sunshine watching his grandchildren play.
He would of made it to at least eighty and would of been in good health until the very end.
At least that's what I imagine his life would of been like if he had never had epilepsy.
Because that's what he deserved.
He saved me.
Anchored me.
Loved me.
Now it doesn't hurt as much, because I'm grateful so fucking grateful that I got to love him and have the relationship we had.
Connor, the boy who was special not because of what he did but because of how he made others feel.
The boy who never became a man.

Alex took what I had left.
He took and took until I was left with even less.
I don't know when he stared taking the broken pieces and fixing them.
I definitely can't tell you when he put them back, all I know is he did.
Loving Connor was like waves, loving Alex was like a tsunami or an unexpected hurricane.
The love I felt for him was lethal.
So dangerous that I didn't want it.
There was a time I would of done anything to stop loving him.
Even now I can't say whether it was all worth it.
I can't tell you if I was given the option to never meet him, would I?
I know I must sound crazy but he left ever lasting scars every time it ended.
Losing him was different than losing Emmett and Connor.
It was worse and better in ways.
Worse because every time we were together it always ended the same; with us apart.
I lost him over and over.
Better because with enough distance you can pretend that everything is fine.
Pretend that your life isn't shit.
Alex was the moon and the stars.
Sometimes I wish I never loved him.
Sometimes I wish I never met him.
All I know is, life would of been easier if I had never met him, that's for sure.