Hard to love

Chapter 20

I'm still laying in the hospital bed while they try to get my contractions to start.

My mom and dad walk through the door with worry on their faces.

"What's going on" my mom asks.

"She has to deliver the baby stillborn. Her heart stopped" Jackson says.

My mom begins crying and holding me.

"I'm so sorry baby girl. I'm right here for you. I'm not leaving" she says.

The doctor comes in and decides to check my cervix for dilation.

"It's been about four hours and you haven't dilated at all. We have to get the baby out via C-section. We need to get you into surgery now" he says.

I start panicking because I've never had a surgery in my life.

"No please. Is there any other way we can do this?" I beg the doctor.

"The baby is too big to miscarry. We have no other options" he says.

I begin crying as they wheel me into the surgery room.

JACKSON POV:

As they take her into the surgery room, I follow.

"I'm right here. I'm not leaving" I tell Ellie.

I hate to see her like this. She's having a full-blown panic attack and I can't comfort her. I can't help her at all.

We get into the surgery room, and they start booking up IV's and giving her medicine to numb her.

They put a sheet in front of her, so she doesn't see them cutting her open.

As soon as the knife hits her skin, she yells.

"Stop" I yell at the doctor.

"If she can feel the knife, we're going to have to put her to sleep. You can't be in the room sir" the doctor says, and a nurse walks me out.

I go back to her parents panicking.

"What's going on. Where's my daughter?" Her mom asks.

"She could feel them cutting her. They had to put her to sleep, and I couldn't be in the room"

"Oh my gosh. Is she going to be, ok?" Her mom asks.

"I'm not sure"

"How long will this take?" She asks.

"I don't know that either. I'm sorry"

Her mom starts panicking and Ellie's dad tries to comfort her.

After waiting for what feels like hours, the doctor comes to us.

"What's going on? Is she ok?" Ellies mom asks.

"Mrs.Parks, I'm sorry" he says.

"Sorry? Sorry for what? Where is my daughter?" She yells.

"We did what we could but when we started cutting, she lost too much blood too fast" he says.

Ellies mom and dad begin crying hysterically and I feel like my heart has stopped.

"My condolences. I'm very sorry" the doctor says and walks away.

I watch the world around me continue moving while my world stops.

This wasn't supposed to happen. Ellie was supposed to live. We were supposed to make a life together. I didn't get enough time with her. We didn't get to make memories.

I start panicking and crying.

Ellies mom holds me and I'm losing my mind.

"She can't be gone. We didn't get enough time. We didn't get to spend our lives together. No" I say crying hysterically.

"We have to go" Ellie's dad says through tears.

We walk outside and it's raining.

"The angels are crying for my baby girl" Ellie's mom says.

We go back to Washington to plan the funeral.

I call my mom to ask her to help Ellie's mom.

We all get together and pick out a coffin and an outfit for her.

We call the funeral home and pick out a plot and a day to do it.

Everybody is walking around in a daze. Heartbroken from a beautiful soul being taken from us.

The day of the funeral comes.

I put on my black suit. Ellie always wanted me to wear more colors but without her, the colors just seem ugly. I look over my eulogy one more time and make my way to the cemetery.

I meet up with her parents and sit with them.

The priest begins talking.

"We are all here today to say bye to a soul who left us too soon. Ellie was a daughter, a girlfriend, and a mother. Unfortunately, when we lost Ellie, we lost the baby as well. She named the baby Ember. What a beautiful name. We give our condolences to the family, and to friends. We put this soul to rest today. If anyone has any words to say, please come up" he says.

I stand up and walk to her casket.

"Hello everybody. My name is Jackson, and I was Ellie's boyfriend and father to our child" I say as everybody stares at me.

I clear my throat and begin my eulogy.

"There are a million things I can say about Ellie Parks. The best one being that she was my world. She helped me figure out who I am and helped me learn how to love. At one point she said I was unloveable and through all of that, she somehow still loved me. She loved me when I didn't deserve it. Ellie was the best thing that has ever happened to me. I will love her until my last day. I was unlovable but she sure as hell showed me more love in our time together than I could need for an entire lifetime. I will never love somebody like I love Ellie. She was my soulmate. I will live the rest of my life knowing I was loved because of her. She deserved the world and I wish I could have given it to her. I know we will meet in another life but as for this life, I will keep her in my heart and I'm my memory at all times. She left this world loved by her mother. By her father and her friends and by me. My life won't be the same without her"

I bend down and kiss her casket. "I love you so much Ellie" I whisper.

We watch as the casket goes into the ground and my world stops again.

Without her. It's not a world with being in.

I tell everybody bye and get in my car.

I drive and listen to her favorite song and all I can do is cry.

We will meet in another lifetime and when we do, I will show her love like she's never imagined. Until that day comes, I will live my life knowing she left her mark on me.

She left that mark on my heart and I will never love like I love her.

"I will see you again baby. I love you so much" I say looking at the sky.