A Thousand Times Enough

⋆ Chapter 1 ⋆

I . • °

I know it's probably not good to say, but I hate my life. The feeling of dread every morning I wake up, is too much to bear. And considering this dreadful feeling is on a daily basis...I would love to find an easy way out of it.

A lot of this comes from what I go through in my daily life. I don't have much like others I was surrounded by every day, so a lot of that caused me to shut down and not be around most my age.

Being that there isn't much to talk about with them they can't relate to me in any way. Teenagers are to be teens and live out their teen years full of energy and not have to care about things that they know their parents will take care of.

I guess that's the beauty of being a teenager, but unfortunately, I don't live out those teenage fantasies...and haven't for a long time. Because of that...it's a constant reminder of who I am and who I am not and the life I will never have because I had to take care of those things.

There were days that I actually felt like I was walking on clouds—that I was not really here, not really living and barely breathing. I felt like I was floating my way through life and honestly as crazy as it may sound I would be okay with that part if I was actually not feeling any of the pain...if I could feel nothing.

I guess feeling nothing for the rest of my life would be too easy, and I would never have that. Even though that was what I truly wanted, I couldn't give up and that was the hardest thing of all because it wouldn't just be me that I'm giving up on.

I woke up that morning like every other morning staring at the ceiling, in my shitty apartment. Same routine for the last two years, no alarm no anything. I barely get sleep most nights, it's hard for me too, my late-night overthinking turns into an all-night thing.

Even when I doze off...I sometimes abruptly wake up from nightmares, and then I'm up for the rest of the time after.

Yes, it's exhausting, but I never let that get in the way of my schooling. I had a love-and-hate relationship with school like everyone else you could say, but it was my only way out to have a better life or even a career.

Even though I knew that I probably wouldn't be able to pay to go to college, at least I could finish high school, and maybe get lucky with some scholarships. That's all I had to go on because being stuck with a hell of student loans was not the ideal life I wanted to live either, that would be like adding fuel to the rest of my problems.

I soon got up quickly to get ready for school because I was always pushing for time most days. I looked at my phone, and as usual no notifications but from random apps that I forgot to delete months ago.

I opened my bedroom door and walked down the hall to get to the bathroom. It wasn't far considering the apartment I lived in was big enough for one person barely that. On my way to the bathroom, I saw my Dad. He was in the kitchen leaning over the kitchen counter and staring at what seemed like papers.

As I made my way to the kitchen I stood there, looking at him feeling nothing but sorrow, "What is that?" I blurted out lowly with a lump in my throat.

Looking up at me, with a flustered expression he broke the silence, "Another bill." I saw as he began to tense up with saying it out loud.

"It's okay Dad, I get paid Friday, I can pay-"

"No."