A Thousand Times Enough

* Chapter 30 *

XXX . • °

I walked down the school hallways and it was like everything moved in slow motion, everyone that passed by me I ignored.

In my mind, they weren't there. It was like I was walking down this dark grey hallway that never ended, the echoing of the students just bounced off the walls and it all sounded like ringing in my ears.

I went back home to Nadia's last night, but it's a blur for me. I just cried to myself, hiding my emotions was becoming so much harder to do, it was so much weight and baggage on my shoulders.

When I think I move forward, I move 10 steps backward. My job and school were the only things I had left that kept me from losing myself. Both kept me busy during the dark times in my life. And losing my job, it hurt. 

In a weird way it felt like home, maybe because it was familiar. Dave, Jackson, even...Andrea. Even though she was a pain in the ass. But Dave, he was like a father figure to me, a second father figure and I cared about him more than words can express. I knew that I was putting his job on the line for making him lie for me and cover up all my fuck ups.

Jackson, I didn't even want to think about him. I had only thought of him as a work friend in the beginning but in the end, I had looked at him as my closest friend. When there was no one else who understood me or cared, he did. And for that, I will always be grateful. I just felt like that meant nothing to him now and so then it meant nothing to me, I was tired of feeling. I wanted to be able to turn off my feelings and my humanity.

I knew it would be a struggle but what's worse than hurting every day of the week? I love my friends, I truly do, but can they love someone as broken as me?

Can...Silas?

Yes, Silas has been there for me this whole time, he has, but I can't help but think this is another act of me being selfish. My feelings for him are real, I feel that every time I'm around him or think of him. But I'm no good for him.

I will only bring him down, he has his whole life ahead of him, and what do I have? A broken home, a broken heart, and a dad that doesn't give a shit about me. I don't even know if he is alive. If I really cared about Silas, then I would know this is best for him, and it is.

My feelings I must hide them, it's for the best.

I approached my locker and started to put in the combination, everything seemed so surreal. It felt like I had been away for so long that it was like the first day of school all over again.

"Look who decided to come to school," A familiar male voice spoke behind me. When I turned to look fully I saw it was Damon.

"Damon," I say happy to see him.

"Yeah, it's been a while huh? I heard you've been sick, feeling better?" He says using his tatted hand to roll up the sleeves of his sweatshirt.

"Uh...yeah I feel a lot better," I say convincingly with a slight nod.

"Good, I wasn't trying to contract a cold today."

"Josie Posie!" I looked up and saw Kobe jogging down the hallway with the biggest grin on his face heading toward me and Damon. "Your back! I missed you," He says pulling me in for a hug.

"Great, and now another germ has appeared," Damon remarked looking over to Kobe.

"What do you mean?" Kobe says pulling away from the hug confused. 

"Nothing just leave me alone today, you've done enough this morning."

Kobe's mouth flung open, "What did I even do?"