A Thousand Times Enough

* Chapter 49 *

XLIX. • °

Josie Pov

High school was over, officially. I had no idea what to feel, happy? Well, that wasn't what I felt. Richard's words kept me up all night, what he said hurt me and his words slashed me deep and opened new wounds on top of the old.

I knew what I wanted for my life wasn't an ideal lifestyle for most, or what I felt was best for me may not be the dream that most people would strive for.

My life wasn't normal, far from it. However, I still wondered if it was out of the ordinary for me to have no idea what I wanted to do after high school.

Maybe some people have a clue but I don't. Having all of this on my mind was so hard during testing, especially worrying if I was going to pass my finals. I couldn't count on both hands how many times I prayed to do well.

I never had to worry about it before but my mind was barely functioning right, all I kept thinking about was Silas last night and while testing.

He called me numerous times, and texted me, begging for me to respond to let him know that I was okay. I clicked on the messages multiple times reading them, typing up a response, and then deleting it.

It hurt me not to respond, it really did but I just couldn't. I had to be honest with myself, even though I did trust everything he had said before but this whole time there has been doubt.

If everything was good, if everything was perfect, and if...he truly was in love with me like Eleanor was sure about then why weren't we together? Sure, we hadn't done things traditional from the beginning. It wasn't his fault and I don't blame him for us being intimate on spring break.

I don't regret it, it was the most real thing I had ever felt in my life. I never felt more special and bliss in my life. Whenever I was around him, or with him, or needed him I felt comfort as though I was in seventh heaven. Everything for me was perfect, but I couldn't be so sure that he never felt doubt or felt differently about me.

Different from me because there are just some things that I can't give him. I am and will always be prone to disaster. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't escape my past or the broken girl that lives on within me. Did I honestly think he could love me past it all? Or put up with all of my traumatic tendencies when he didn't have to, he shouldn't have to.

If it was so easy for his father to see what I lacked, or didn't have surely it wouldn't be hard for him to realize.

Eleanor gave me her blessing but maybe her judgment had been changed by Richard's words and now I know that she feels her judgment about me was clouded. Still, I don't regret meeting her or talking to her and I'm glad that I had that opportunity. I was so delighted for her to tell me more about her family, more about Silas.

She was so sure that I brought light back into his life and I believed that was true at one point because he did the same for me, and still does. Surely that light was bound to run out when he opened his eyes and really saw how badly I was damaged.

I fell in love with him because he saw who I was from the beginning and I thought he accepted me, and he did, but now I'm so afraid that it changed.

I didn't want to let him go or let everything that we had go, surely he felt different about me now. Maybe that's what he needed to keep him from leading astray.

And so I was too scared to respond, I didn't want to see it or hear him tell me that I would never be the right girl for him. If I just tried to forget I wouldn't feel or know that he had chosen to walk away from me, from us. In school, I hadn't seen him, even if he wanted to or if I wanted to we couldn't. We were all separated even for lunch, and as soon as we tested everything was over.