Stop Running Away

Chapter 3

   "Any plan for Christmas?" Caitlyn is putting her fancy high-heel boots on, and meanwhile, I am trying to hide my scruffy hair in my hoodie. I look at her, and I must admit that now she is a much more delicacy woman than me. However, we are heading to the school library to do our assignments. So I do not really give a shit about what I am wearing or what I will be looking like.

She sure did remind me that now it is actually close to Christmas. But I am no Christian nor do my families have the habit of celebrating Christmas. "No plans," I answered flatly.

"We are going to Matt's house this Christmas. His family won't be here this Christmas, so it will only be us and some of his friends. You are definitely going." She says it as she knows my answer already. Good, she has made the Christmas decision for me, as usual.

I have no clue she has already this close to Matt who was from that night at that bar. The one who looks like a figure from a painting. It makes me suddenly realize how time flies, and it has been a month since the kiss. I never told Caitlyn about the kiss, or she will surely lose her mind.

I lock our apartment door without any objection, whatever Caitlyn says. I do not have any family here, all I got here is Caitlyn and a very few bunches of friends. Caitlyn is like my family here in Canada, and she knows all about my shits. So if she says we will spend Christmas at Matt's, then Matt's it is.

I have not gone back to China for four years. For the last four years, I stayed with Caitlyn every Christmas and every Chinese New Year's Day.

Usually, our winter break starts at the end of each year's February, so I always manage to avoid going home for the Chinese New Year. And all my summer vacations in the past four years were occupied with my internships here. True, they are all excuses. Excuses I made to avoid going back home.

Somehow this year's Chinese New Year Day is late than ever. Hence, unfortunately, I can make it just in time for this year's Chinese New Year's Day. My family knows about my exam schedule which means I can no longer use examinations as my shield. Unless I can figure out some other bullshit to get me out of this, or this year will be my first Spring Festival at home in four years. Yet is only mid-December, and I am already desperately trying to find some plausible excuse to keep me from going home for Chinese New Year.

Caitlyn taps on the steering wheel a little irritably with her lips parted, and then her lips are tightened. I know that is her typical look when she wants to say something she is not sure of.

"What are you trying to say?"

She paused for a sec and kept silent until we hit a red traffic light. "Vic, you are going home this year for the Chinese new year, aren't you?" Caitlyn and some close friends call me Vic because my name's pronunciation in Chinese also has a meaning of vacation in English. Caitlyn gave me this nickname right after once I mentioned it to her about this.

"..." This would be the last thing I need someone to remind me of.

"You know you cannot run away from this forever." Her voice becomes serious. She does not need to tell me this. I know it Too Well.

My fingers are restlessly twisted together. I know I have been running away for four years, and I have been running away for four years for a stupid reason. You are thinking it right. It is all about a guy.

I only loved one person in my 24-year-old life. It is not relevant to his gender or about his nationality. I simply loved him because he was being him and also because he was the one who almost took up my entire life growing up. I loved him hopelessly, and I thought my life would be just like a fairy tale. Our families knew each other so well. Since we were kids, our parents always joked that we would make a cute couple in the future. And we did. We did make a perfect couple from age 15 to 20. For the entire five years, I thought I was the happiest and luckiest girl on the planet. I deeply believed he would love me back just in the way I loved him. I thought love could be strong enough to overcome all difficulties.

And of course, I might simply take his love for granted as well. And this could be one of some deeper reasons why he broke up with me. Since I never asked, I am not sure about it. The whole story is so tacky and so boring, but it makes me sick all the time.

I still remember that day, when I had a video chat with Lu Yu, right, the fucking guy who messed up my life is called Lu Yu, I heard Lu Yu whisper: "let's break up." His voice is so light. It was light enough for me to believe that I heard him wrong.

I froze in front of my laptop screen for a long time. My mind went blank and I was in a trance. Lu Yu saw me still and asked: "Are you all right?" His voice was as comforting as always. I kind of thought everything was normal for a moment, and then I saw him with a distressed look. I realized it happened. He did break up with me. I bet he was also not doing well since he had bloodshot eyes and stubble on his face.

What went wrong? I did not know. We were engaged before I came back to Canada that year. We made a deal that we would get married once I finished college in Canada. He acted like he could read my mind: "I fall in love with someone else. The last thing I want to do is to lie to you, Jiaqi. You know I would never hurt you if there is a choice." There was always a choice. And he just ditched all the possible choices about us for another girl.

"I think about her all the time. I am sorry. I know I can never ask for your forgiveness. But I cannot stop thinking of her...I ..." I did not hear him finish. I slammed the laptop screen shut with no hesitation. None of my business, who gave a fuck about him missing her all the time.

My entire world suddenly collapsed. My heart was cut into bloody pieces, mangled. I wanted to scream so bad. Though I found I had lost the ability to make a sound. He was the best person I had ever known. He remembered all the details of my little habits; He respected me as a whole person; He encouraged me no matter what obstacles I face; He protected me when I was afraid. His love was unconditional and he used to be my hero.

I could never ask for a better lover in my entire life, and yet he told me that he was in love with someone else. How ironic life could be?

Caitlyn was sitting right opposite me on the coffee table when this devastating conversation happened. There was no way I could ever hide all of this from her because suddenly I started to cry, and my body was uncontrollably quivering. She was so in shock. She had never seen me so grieved, and she thought I was only having a big fight with Lu Yu. She had no idea what happened between us since we were speaking Mandarin all the time. When I finally was able to pick up words, I told her that Lu Yu and I broke up. I still remembered the expression on Caitlyn's face. Her eyes suddenly widened, and the phone dropped from her hand to the floor. It also smashed a bottomless hole in my heart.

I knew, right? Everyone believed the relationship between Lu Yu and I was everything that couples could ever dream of. And the reality was giving all these fantasies a big strike. It hit the reality so hard that suddenly all those beautiful dreams were all broken into ugly fragile tiny pieces.

It was the longest day of my life, November 21, 2017, and I have never forgotten it ever since. It was like an invisible tattoo that slowly carved on my heart, leaving a deformed mark on me. I do not know how I survived that day. But at least I do not cry when I think about it now. I guess that is a big step forward.

Caitlyn's car finally starts to move with the traffic light turns to green, and my mind is pulled back. "I know." I heard myself answering Caitlyn. I know the day will come soon or later. Probably four years is long enough to put closure on my tragic love story.