Ame Perdue

Chapter Four

I couldn't do this alone.

I couldn't breathe as I looked around, staring at the room through muddled vision. There was no way of knowing where I was. The blurs refused to organize themselves into anything more than a spectrum of muted colors. All of my senses felt dulled as if my body was locked behind a brick wall with my mind on the other side, processing what was happening, but unable to reach any of it. I felt heavy, no matter how I tried to command my body to move, it was too much. I couldn't even force my little finger to twice.

No matter how hard I fought, I was stuck, trapped in place. I could feel my body, feel myself floating in some kind of gunk, but no matter how hard I tried, I was stuck in place. I couldn't make myself move. I tried in vain to remember what happened, how I had gotten here, but nothing was lining up. Nothing made sense. I couldn't put together the clues to figure out where I was or even how I ended up here. The past was a blur, and it was quickly spinning away from me.

All I knew was that I was trapped in a body that I couldn't control.

My breaths quickened as I struggled to free myself, all but choking on the air that I was trying to breathe. I couldn't seem to pull enough into my lung, even though as I was pulling in too much. There was a little voice in the back of my mind, one that I recognized, that I was used to. It was screaming at me to calm down, that everything was fine. That this was just an illusion my mind has cocked up. This was fake, just a fleeting moment of panic. At least that's what the small voice tried to tell me.

The voice might as well have been an umbrella again a tsunami.

Everything that I had tried to forget was coming crashing down over me. I couldn't think past it, couldn't rationalize. Everything that I had tried to bury behind me, everything I had tried to outrun was overtaking me. I couldn't close my eyes without seeing the monsters that haunted me. I had fought so hard to escape. I needed to escape them, I needed to getaway. This couldn't be happening, not again. I was free. I got my freedom. I couldn't lose it. I wouldn't lose it.

I just needed to find Janus, and everything would be fine.

I didn't know where I was. I didn't recognize the blurs around, I could barely make out the blurs. I didn't understand. Why was everything blurred?! Why couldn't I see clearly? I knew that my vision was fine, it was always fine. I was fine, I was healthy, I was normal, there was no reason for the world to be in blurs. It couldn't be in blurs. I should be able to see, something was wrong. I didn't understand. I needed to get out of here. I wanted to go home. Home was safer, home I knew.

They were coming for me. I flinched as I heard something crash in the distance. They would be here any minute. If I didn't get out soon, they would find me. I couldn't let them find me, I knew what would happen if they did. I had to leave, had to get out. This was number twenty, no one returned after twenty. I would join the other kids that no one else wanted. I didn't know which would be worse, being wanted, or being unwanted. I just wanted to go home, I wanted my Mama and Papa.

This was my fault. I wasn't good, I should have done better. I would do better next time. Next time, I wouldn't be stupid, I would take care of her. I wouldn't let her fall. Rina would be okay, I would do better, I could protect her. I had to. I promised to. If I had done better, she would be okay, if I had done better, I would be okay. I brought this on myself. This was my fault. If I was better, I would be safe. I brought this on myself. Bad children get punished. This was mine.

Maybe I should accept my punishment.

But I could be good, I would change. Just take me back, I would do anything. I would do better. I would take more, I wouldn't get caught. I would support us. I could do it, I would do it. I didn't want to go with them, I didn't want a new family, I didn't want to be unwanted. I could be what you want me to be, I would be. I would be perfect. Please take me back. I could do it, I would be good. I would be better. Just a chance. Just give me one more chance. I would be whatever you wanted me to be. Just love me again.