The Art of Love

Lost

That day she had decided she would make an effort to get out of bed. She had thought about it for the past few days but all she managed to do was to move from the bed to the small adjoining room where a sofa, television and small dining table completed the tiny apartment she had rented. It wasn't much but it was more than she needed. She felt around in the darkness of the room until she found the small switch that lit up the lamp by her bedside. The clock said it was 2:17 but what she couldn't tell was if it was am or pm. All the days seemed to run into each other. She made an extreme effort to shove off the blankets that surrounded her in a heap and stared up at the ceiling. It was plain white like the rest of the room. Slowly as if she were an invalid she sat up and grimaced while holding her head tightly at the crown. The headache she had gone to bed with seemed to still be present. She thought about just lying back and covering herself up once more but her body actually ached from lying prone for so long. She made a monumental effort and swung her legs off the bed and felt for the floor with her toes. The cool ceramic tiles felt good as they made contact with her skin, shocking her system somewhat into more wakefulness. She stood and waited for her head to settle down and then moved toward the door that led to the bathroom. She turned the light switch on and squinted her eyes to avoid the harsh overhead lights. She walked to the shower, turned on the water and stepped back waiting for the temperature to increase. As she did she faced the mirror and blinked at the image looking back at her. Her skin seemed pale, her hair just a pile on her head and her eyes red and puffy from poor sleep and too many tears. She stepped closer and looked carefully at her reflection. Beneath the weeks and weeks of sadness and loneliness there was also anger and hurt pride. Beneath that still was a deep sense of loss. She looked half alive because she was. The other part of her, the part that beat wildly for the man she expected to love forever had shriveled up and died. She was incomplete. Alone. She felt the familiar sense of tears making their way from wherever they lurked as her throat seemed to compress and her chest squeezed tight. She had lost him twice. He had betrayed her with a lie so painful that it had nearly broken her. His aim had not been to love her and form a life together but instead it had been to use her, to get back at her father and seek vengeance on Yosef. She had been a pawn in everyone's game from the beginning. She had been a fool to fall in love with the very man she shouldn't have. Disbelief and shock had been her first reaction but that had soon turned to bitter anger and resentment and it had fueled her fire long enough for her to make her escape. She had even defied her own father and parents to leave on her own and disappear. She hadn't waited around for explanations that she felt would only be wrapped in more lies. Her eyes closed as her head throbbed but all she saw was the road as it flew by her on her way back home from the office that day. She had come there to clear everything up with him. Wanted and needed him to clarify what she had received because she wanted desperately to believe in him even though her mind couldn't find any justification for the images that flooded her thoughts. What should have been an argument, a lovers quarrel, a jealous tirade had never occurred. Instead she walked into another realm where the man she loved had shown who he really was and in that realm she was exactly what she had appeared to be all along. A conquest, a pawn, collateral damage and a fool. He had become angry when she stepped in to demand an explanation but instead of dragging her away to explain in private he reduced her demands for an explanation to those of a jealous and insecure woman. He commanded that she leave and that he would speak to her later. His eyes burned through her and it was the last time she saw him. Everything after that had been a blur. Everything had been pain and sorrow and anger until her sister, the only one who she communicated with emailed her and that was when her life came to a standstill. Her broken heart that still seemed to beat in her chest seemed to disintegrate within her. She had lost him three months before but when she spoke with Leyla...... all the anger, all the resentment, all the unanswered questions and self recriminations seemed to evaporate into nothing but a searing pain in her soul. She had lost him forever and nothing, not even the hurt of what happened that day she vanished from his life; could ever compare to the torturous pain she felt in every sinew of her body. She had lost him forever and for good.