Emotions

My life

Everyone has problems. Everyone's problems just happen to be mine. That probably sounds weird, so let me explain.

You know those people who put others before themselves? I'm like those people except it's not 'cause I'm kind. It's not 'cause it's in my nature. I just simply absorb people's negative emotions. In a certain proximity, boom! Your negative emotions are mine! Yeah it's terrible. But I'm used to it.

Negative, negative, negative. There's a lot of negative in the world. Just the regular daily struggles of life takes a toll absorbing people with anxiety, depression and suicidal thoughts make it worse.

Don't get me wrong I understand that they can't help it but absorbing everyone's negative emotions within' five feet is exhausting.

My friends from school always comment on how I'm always tired. They think I don't smile 'cause I'm too tired to but that's only part of the reason. The other reason is that, I only absorb negative emotions. No positive ones. Any positive emotions, I have to make on my own with my own experiences.

So basically I have a lot more negative flowing in than positive. You can understand why that's exhausting.

As soon as I wake up I'm already exhausted. My mom has a very stressful job. Stacks of work with very tight deadlines.

She works from home and in a certain time frame. She works at night because that's when she's "least stress."

No duh she's least stressed at night; that's when I'm home absorbing her negative emotions.

My dad left before I was born.

It's not that my mom doesn't love me; it's just that any worry she would have as a parent is absorbed by me.

So when I cut and/or cry in the shower each morning, she doesn't have any worry to want to go check on me.

I cut to ground myself, and I cry to at least try to get rid of the negativity, but it's never enough.

I need to ground myself because one time I was in a daze because of all the negative and I almost jumped off a roof. So now when I feel the tightness of the skin on my wrist or the slight sting when they rub against my sleeve, it brings me out of my daze.

I just get so angry and cutting is like a way to let out my anger. I'm less angry at other people, more at myself. Why couldn't I be normal?

Honestly, sometimes people need negative emotions. Like a moms worry. They need to worry because it shows how much they care. Or like when someone's n a bad relationship. They need the negative emotions to help get them out.

I hate that I made my mom like a happy robot.

She says goodmorning in such a cheery voice and happily does her work in her room which is right next to mine. Across from my room is the hallway that leads to the stairs.

The walls are plain white, nothing hanging on them in the whole house. My mom has a desk, a bed, and a dresser plus closet for her clothes. I have a closet and dresser for mine also. I have a bed to sleep in and that's pretty much all.

We have a good amount of food in the kitchen. The living room has a TV and two couchs in a wide v shape at one of the corners. There's a table with three chairs in the dining room.

My house is plain because, like I said, I absorb the negative emotions. That includes any distaste my mom might've had as a result of this plainnesss.

Of course when I leave I won't absorb my mom's negativity but the thing is, she leaves the house while I eat breakfast. She goes to the park to take care of her friends kid. Every morning up until the kids mom comes back from work. They've been friends for a long time. When my mom got her boss to agree to her working schedule, her and her friend arranged the whole watching the kid thing. By the time my mom gets home she goes right to sleep. By the time she wakes up, I'm home and she starts her work.