Love Songs

Chapter Eleven

Jessica - Saturday, 12:00am.

The feeling of my phone vibrating next to me woke me up. I jolted awake, in a moment of half-conscious confusion, before I returned to earth and checked to see who was messaging me at this hour.

Shay.

"Come to my room," she'd said. 

Smiling despite myself, I replied. The click of every key resonated in the empty room, and with every one I feared that I'd wake Allie up. 

"It's past my bedtime," I said, teasing a little bit.

She replied within a minute.

"Shut the hell up and come here," she said. Well, that was Shay.

At that moment, I had a decision to make. I could keep trying to hide my feelings for Shay from her, from Allie, and from myself, or I could get out of that bed and do what felt right. 

Within minutes I was out the door.

Every step down the hallway felt treacherous. It was a small blessing that I'd managed to shut the door without waking Allie up, and still I wondered when my luck would run out. What if someone else was lurking these halls? What if someone found me out? I didn't have a back-up lie ready.

What felt like hours later, I arrived at her door. 417. I didn't knock, not wanting to make noise. Instead I boldly pushed open the door and walked through.

When I got in, she was standing up, though I don't know why. Wordlessly, she walked to me and wrapped her arms around my waist. Automatically, I brought mine around her neck, the way I was used to doing, just not with Shay. Pretending she was just another guy, I could just for a moment lull myself into thinking that what we were doing wasn't foreign, wasn't strange, wasn't taboo.

She tilted her head and daringly brought her lips to mine, though now she kissed like a Shay I'd never met. She wasn't overly confident, or arrogant, or terribly sexual about it. Instead she was gentle, and loving, and I swear, just a little bit nervous.

But quickly, the kiss picked up. It accelerated, and deepened, and grew, and got hotter. She opened her mouth wider and I followed suit. The taste of her tongue was intoxicating, and already I knew that Shay's kisses were a drug. They kept girls coming back for more - if Shay ever gave the girls another chance.

Before my head knew what my body was doing, I was shoving her off me.

Her face looked confused, not that I blamed her. But she wasn't angry. She was apologetic.

"Did I do something wrong?" she asked, sounding truly puzzled.

"I can't do this," I whispered. 

"Do what?" 

"I can't get addicted to you."

 She broke into a small smile, and I could tell that no matter what, she liked the sound of the word. "Addicted?" she repeated.

"How am I supposed to know?" I questioned, my fear manifesting itself. "How am I supposed to know that as soon as I start to fall for you, you're not just gonna get bored with me and kick me out?"

"Jessica," she whispered, daring to make herself close to me again. "You're different."

"I bet you say that all the time!" I speculated, becoming hysterical once again. Why did she make me like this? "People like you can't have relationships."

"That's why I don't," she said, calmly but firmly. "But can't you see I'm willing to try? I don't trust people, Jess. That's why I don't commit to anyone. But in doing this, with you, I'm trusting you. And in order for that to happen, you have to trust me back. Not that I would know, but I'm pretty sure that's what a relationship is."