Love Songs

Chapter Fifteen

Jessica - Sunday, 4pm.

When I finally decided it was time to come back to my room, it looked like Allie had been crying.

"Are you okay?" I asked, suddenly concerned.

."Yeah," she said. "I'm fine. Why?"

"You look like you were crying."

"My eyes are just watering. I'm sick."

"Are you sure?" i questioned.

"Yeah. I'm sure."

I remained unconvinced, but she turned the sequence of queries on me before I had time to continue it. 

"Where have you been?" 

The question had me feeling nauseated. Even with Allie out of the question, I would have felt boundlessly weird and guilty about what I'd just done. It didn't help that she could never, ever find out.

"Just around," I equivocated. "Trying to keep busy."

Immediately, I wished I hadn't used the word "busy."

"Were you alone?"

I decided lying at this point would be fruitless, so I granted her the half-truth of saying, "No. I was with Matthew earlier, then Shay."

Her face changed, but didn't look angry. "So, you guys like, hang out now?"

"Who?"

"You know who."

"I mean, I guess. I don't know."

"What were you doing all this time?"

"Just, talking."

"About what?"

It didn't take me long to think up something to say. "Shakespeare," I answered.

She seemed relieved, and I couldn't explain it. "That's what Matthew said."

The look of satiated concern that she was giving inspired a tidal wave of rage inside of me. So she'd been testing me. So all this time, she was covertly trying to gain details on my personal life with her sister. Trying to see if the story I gave matched up with what she'd heard. Trying to crack my lie.

"So what, you were interrogating me to make sure my alibi checked out?" I immediately snapped. No sooner had I said it than I realized that I was just inviting us both to a Pandora's box I'd been working around the clock to avoid. She was about to leave it alone, and I couldn't keep my guilty frustration in check long enough to let that happen. Why did I have to go and do that to myself?

"Do you blame me for wondering?" she cried. "Do you even know her?"

"Of course I know her!" I yelled, losing control. "Yes, Allie, I know the whole speech. I know what Shay does to girls, and I know what her history is like. But can't you just leave the past in the past? It was one night, Allie, and it wasn't my choice! So leave it alone and trust me!"

"I trust you, Jessica! It's Shay I don't trust. And I have reason not to."

"I know you do, okay? But that's not my fault."

"You're right," she said, covering her face in her hands. "You're right. I'm sorry."

If I felt low before, how I felt now could only be considered subterranean. I'd begged her to trust me, when that was the last thing she should have been doing. I was going behind her back, and then getting mad at her for suggesting it. It wasn't fair to her, but what could I do?