Love Songs

Chapter Nineteen

Shay - Tuesday 12:30pm.

"Where's Jessica?" I spit at Allie when I saw her, alone, in the dining hall. I immediately wished I hadn't sounded so eager - both because I didn't want her to catch on, and sheerly because I didn't want myself to be that eager - but I couldn't take it back.

She didn't seem to think anything of it anyway. That was comforting and daunting all at the same time. Didn't she see me as a threat anymore? Was it no longer a possibility that I was stealing Jessica's heart? And if not, why not?

"Probably six feet under by now," Allie lamented, head in her hands. "Rihannon wanted to 'talk to her' after our class, and she still hasn't come back."

I laughed dryly. "Rihannon can't kill a student, Allie," I reminded her. "I'm pretty sure that's written in the code of conduct somewhere."

"Even still," Allie maintained. "I'm pretty sure she's already broken that code."

That was true. She'd harrassed Jessica, she'd slept with me...who knew how far she would go? The woman was crazy. Crazy hot, but crazy nonetheless.

 "I'm sure she'll be fine," I assured myself, pretending that I was assuring my sister.

"I just don't know why she hates her so much," Allie said.

"Jealous," I quickly said. "She's jealous."

"Of what?"

I shrugged. There was no way out of this one. If I complimented Jessica, I looked suspicious. If I couldn't think of a reason, there was no backing up why I'd said what I just said.

I decided to the best thing I could do was just be myself.

"Big tits," I commented casually. "They're nice."

"You're fucking disgusting," Allie said, but at least I didn't look out of the ordinary. I didn't let on that my feelings for Jessica ran far deeper than the physical. "That's my best friend you're talking about."

"Oh, I get it," I said. "You're jealous, too."

"Look," Allie said. "Can you keep a secret?"

I shrugged. "Probably not."

She sighed. "Can you try?"

"No guarantees."

"Whatever. I'll take my chances."

"Shoot."

"Jessica and Matthew hooked up last night."

At first, I just laughed. "Shut up," I said.

"No," she pressed. "I'm serious!"

"No you're not," I said, now getting chilled a little bit. She couldn't be serious. And yet her face was saying otherwise...why?

She nodded. "Yeah," she said. "I am."

I started to shake my head, telling both of us that it wasn't true. "No," I said. "How do you know?"

"She told me," Allie said. "But she told me not to tell anyone. I don't think she wants you to know, especially, because...well, you know how you guys are."

I knew how we were. It was Allie that didn't know. And I believed that Jessica wanted to keep it from me. It was Allie that didn't know why.

This is why you don't fall for anyone. Now I knew.

"I have to go," I told Allie, and showed myself out.

________

Jessica - Tuesday, 1:00pm.

I'd been practicing since eight that morning...or around ten past. I was hungry, and exhausted, and lonely. And increasingly stressed out. I couldn't keep Allie and Shay off my mind. As soon as I got one Thaller girl out of my head, the other came into it.

I resolved to let myself think about Shay, because it was certainly better than thinking about Allie. I needed to talk to her. I needed, especially, to explain to her the lie about everything with Matthew before it went too far and someone got hurt.

I felt like picking up my phone and using it was against the rules, and that somehow Rihannon would find out and chastise me. Regardless, after about half an hour of wrestling with it, I decided she hadn't bugged my phone, and maybe I could risk it.

I entered Shay's number into a text message and started to type. 

"Hey, I want to talk to you. I'm practicing now but I'll find you after, okay?"

I waited two, then three, then four minutes for a reply, but I got none. I don't know why I wanted so badly to hear from her, but I did. Defeated, I put my phone down and went back to my turns. If I couldn't hit thirty in a row by two o'clock, I was leaving and letting Rihannon say what she wanted to Allie.

I got to twenty two before falling. The next time, twenty four. The next time, eighteen. The next time, twenty seven.

It turned 1:55, and I was almost ready to pack up and call it a day. Maybe I'd tell her I'd done it but lost it, and maybe she'd believe me. Maybe she'd take pity on me. Maybe I could convince her not to tell.

Then, my defeat turned into spontaneous frustration. I couldn't believe I was sitting here planning excuses as to why I couldn't perform a ridiculous task, for someone I didn't even respect. Why should I hope for Rihannon's pity? She didn't even deserve my effort. She was just evil, wrong, jealous, and immature.

In one final last-ditch attempt, I threw all my fury into a vigorous turn. I didn't stop. I counted in my head, angrily hitting ten, then eleven, then twelve. I determined myself to throw my head around with each one, and keep my posture up. I determined myself to prove her wrong.

As I turned past twenty nine, I didn't let up. I went all the way to thirty, then threw myself on the floor.

I'd done it.

______

Shay - Tuesday, 1:30pm.

I went back to my room hurt and angry and confused. I was pissed at Jessica, obviously. And I was pissed at Matthew because he'd known about us and done it anyway. But mostly, I was pissed at myself.

You're so stupid, I told myself. You knew not to let anyone in, and you did. You deserved what you got. You were stupid, and you let yourself get hurt.

I didn't know where to go from here. Obviously, things had been going in such a steady direction, getting better all the time. And now, they'd taken such a sharp turn downward it was almost surreal. What could I have even done in that moment?

I pulled out my notebook and decided it was time to edit my song.

It needed a bridge, and now, my life was seeing one. It was arching, changing, though for the worse. The gentle incline had officially gone south, and the angry, melancholy melodies that I wrote began to reflect it.

I heard the climax of the music in my head, and translated it rapidly into a black foutain across the page.

No sooner had I written my last note than it got flooded out by a waterfall that came from overhead.

It almost took me a while to realize that waterfall had fallen from my eyes.

Crying over her? That was too much.

I wondered how it had gotten here. I'd gone from pretending to hate her, to actually thinking I'd loved her, to letting her cause me the greatest pain I'd felt for as long as I could remember.

I was better off hating you, Jessica.

At least then I was never disappointed.