𝙔𝙤𝙪'𝙡𝙡 𝙨𝙖𝙫𝙚 𝙢𝙚, 𝙬𝙤𝙣'𝙩 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝘾𝙝𝙪𝙪𝙮𝙖? | 𝙎𝙤𝙪𝙠𝙤𝙠𝙪

Chapter 6

(Short chapter)

But there. From a distance. I could see someone on the roof of an abandoned school. I squinted my eyes and saw bandages. A boy covered in bandages. Dazai.

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Dazai pov

I was in front of Chuuya's apartment with a single Red Camellia in hand. How did I get here? Probably the same way I did the first time. I entered his home with the spare keys he gave me. I should probably return this. I put the keys on the counter and left the flower on the table. I looked for paper and a pen. I knew what the meaning of the flower was. I knew it was obvious what I was gonna do. But it doesn't matter. I've always wanted to do this anyways. Life has no value. It didn't mean anything to me. Plus, if it all ends, I wouldn't have to think anymore. I wouldn't have to feel the pain of losing a friend. The pain from an unrequited love and the pain of choosing between a friend or the love of your life. I wasn't doing this just for myself either. It would be safer without me here. Less people will get hurt. Chuuya won't get hurt and he'll be happy.

I tore a bit of the paper and sat down on the couch. It was already 3:24 am and I know for a fact that Chuuya was asleep. After spending many days with him, I knew he always slept in unless he had work. He shouldn't be waking up for another 5-6 hours. By the time he wakes, I would've fulfilled my dream. "What should I write?..." I was sitting on the couch for a good 10 minutes but I still had no idea what to tell him. I had so many things I wanted Chuuya to know but I had no idea how to put it into words. All I could think of was a heart.

I walked around a bit more remembering the memories I had in this very room. I was on the verge of tears. I quietly entered Chuuya's room to see him one last time. But as soon as I entered, I burst into tears. All the memories came flooding back to me. I slowly fell to the ground with my back against the door as tears came flooding down. I put my hands over my mouth and chest trying to muffle my voice so as to not wake chibi up. Was this really the right choice? Can't I be a bit selfish and just stay? I don't care what happens to this world and I don't care what they'll say. Was there really no value in life? Will nothing really fill up this lonely hole I have? Was there really no chance left for me? The tears just kept falling down non stop. I've been crying for over an hour when I came back to my senses. This was the right choice. I needed to do something for once in my life that would actually make a difference. Odasaku was right. Now there's no turning back. I wiped my tears and headed towards Chuuya.

Just like the night I first stayed, I cupped his face with one hand and caressed it with my thumb. I could never get sick of how beautiful Chuuya was. I truly loved everything about him. I wish I had the courage to tell him up front all the things I told him while he was asleep. A small part of me wished he was awake all those times. A small part of me hoped that this wasn't an unrequited love. That this was all a dream and that when I wake up I'd be with Chuuya and he would love me back.

I hoped that he would love me back if I told him these words. But I never got to and I never will. Plus, if he was awake, he would've left me by now. I continued to caress his cheek and for the last time told him sweet nothings. "Chuuya, I'm sorry for leaving you. I'm sorry I never said goodbye. But I love you. I love you so so much. I love every little thing about you. I love the sound of your laughter, the look in your eyes while watching your favorite movie. How you talk about one day getting a dog and the way your eyes light up whenever you see one. I love how you would try to hide your excitement when I would buy you your favorite wine or when you go shopping for hats. I love the way you cook. Even if I call you short, that's one thing I love about you. I loved your ginger hair, your sapphire eyes, your smile that could keep me going for days. I could go on and on. But this will be the last my darling Chuuya." I laid my head on the bed near the hat rack's chest. "Chuuya... What should I do? Please help me Chuu. Please save me...You'll catch me,right? You'll save me, won't you Chuuya?" *Sigh What am I even saying. He can't even hear me. I'm not making any sense. Even if he did hear me, he'll probably just continue sleeping. I gave a soft chuckle. I sat up and for the last time, I placed my lips on his while hugging him tightly. "I love you."