Like You Mean It

Girls Night

At 7 on the dot I hear knocking on my apartment door. I stand up holding my blanket around me as I go open the door to find Mel, Mandy and Riley with bags of food, booze and other necessities for a proper girls night. I let them into my apartment silently smiling at them.

"Alright, we've got Thai food, wine, tequila, face masks, crappy movies, and a spotify playlist full of terrible 90's music. What do you want to start with?" Riley lists everything off as she looks through the bags.

I exhale a laugh, wanting this day to get better. I look at the movie options before making a choice. "How about 90's Godzilla while we eat? I'm really hungry."

"Heck yeah!" Mandy seemed a little too excited with that prospect.

We all laugh at her enthusiasm while she rolls her eyes at us. "What? I'm a sucker for a little more grown up Ferris Beuller who turned nerdy!"

I laugh out loud, almost spitting out the food I had just shoved in my mouth. We make our way over to my living room and find spots to sit down while eating our food and watching the movie. Our wine glasses are filled to the brim, as we all laugh together.

Once we were done with our dinner and movie, we started putting facemasks on each other as Mel pulled up her spotify list. "Oh, I've got a good one to start with!"

The intro to "Barbie girl" starts and we all burst out laughing. We're dancing around trading being "Barbie" or "Ken". We sing into our hand microphones way too loudly and off key. I have a feeling that I will be getting a few noise complaints tonight, but I can't be bothered to care right now. I'm having too much fun with these amazing women who have accepted me into their lives, and just made me feel so welcome in a new place.

After a couple more hours of terrible singing, and more terrible movies, we sit around just nursing our drinks. We're pretty drunk already, and will definitely be hung over tomorrow. Thankfully Ashley gave me the day off. The others apparently work night shifts, so they are planning to sleep it off at my house. 

We've all changed into our pajamas, as we sit around with a movie in the background as white noise.

I sigh after taking another drink from my wine glass. "I really fucked up today y'all..."

Mel looks up at me from her position on my living room floor. "What do you mean? What happened that threw you off so badly?"

I exhale a soft sob, failing miserably to contain my emotions. Damn alcohol. "I um, three years ago today, I um... I lost my husband overseas. We'd been together since we were fifteen, married at 18. That was going to be his last tour. We were trying to start a family, and it all came crashing down three years ago today. We were 25 and a few months shy of him leaving the military. I was at work, and it was a bad day. I lost a patient, a little girl that came into the emergency room after a traffic accident. And when I got home there were military officials with their dreaded red car, to inform me that Alex had passed... Our life was close to beginning, and it was all taken from both of us."

At this point the tears are rolling freely. I can't contain them nor the sobs that escape me. Mandy comes and sits next to me, pulling me into her arms trying to calm me. "I didn't get to say goodbye. It was a closed casket funeral, because of his injuries. I never got to see his face again, after having left five months before."

The girls are all now either sitting next to me or near me trying to offer the comfort I desperately needed. "And then today, Morris was super inappropriate, and I was a total bitch to Dr. Evans. He was just checking up on me, and I just let all my anger and sadness out on him. I felt so bad afterwards, that I started having a panic attack. I apologized, but I couldn't face him."

The girls take in everything I'm telling them, and just offer silent support. They understand I need to get it all off my chest, and I'm extremely grateful for them. It's been a while that I've been able to have friends like this.

Having grown up in the military with constant moving, it was hard to make friends. Our last stop was our longest which lasted all of high school for me. I was born in Texas while my father was stationed there, then shortly after we moved to North Carolina, then Oklahoma, we spent a couple of years in Germany, before finally settling in at Ft. Campbell on the TN side of the base. I was raised to be polite, and quiet, and with the constant moving around it was hard to make friends. So having these women in my life has been a Godsend.

My tears are finally slowing, my sobs having stopped already. I take a deep breath in. "Thank you for listening girls. I've never really had good friends like this for too long. They were either shipping off or moving away with their families to other bases."

Riley puts her hand on my knee and looks me straight in the eyes. "I'm sorry you had to go through that. Losing someone in our lives is never easy, and someone that was in your life for so long, and loving each other for that long, it's hard. No one blames you for snapping. Chris will understand, he won't take it to heart. You just need to talk to him."

"I just feel so bad, he really didn't deserve it. I just saw red when I saw him flirting with some other nurses even though he keeps asking me out, I just snapped. It's all so wrong. This is why I don't like getting involved with doctors I work with. It gets messy." I bring my wine glass back to my lips and finish it in one big gulp.

"How about we go to bed? We all definitely need some rest." Mel suggests making me nod.

I had already set up some air mattresses, pillows and sheets for them earlier in the day, so I wouldn't have to do that now. I get up and put my glass in the sink before heading to my bathroom to start getting ready for bed.

I look at my red swollen eyes as I brush my teeth, and realize how broken I feel in this moment. I thought I was stronger than this, but today is just a day that sucks. I just have to make peace with that and continue trying to move forward. I'm thankful for the women fast asleep in my apartment. I get in bed and try to go to sleep hoping I can fix this mess I've created.

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